An Incompetent stream of consciousness.....Nothing new there then!

Ooh things were going so well back in January. A couple of posts in quick succession and then I completely neglected you. Until now.

I am not going to promise to post next week or even more often as it doesn't work. I obviously don't really care about accountability plus, being, a woman of a certain age, going through the thing most women my age go through, I can not commit to anyone other than myself right now. Sometimes I can't even commit to myself (if that makes any sense. It does to me). What I will say is I will post again but I will not commit to a time line!

So what shall we talk about today? I actually don't know but I knew I wanted to write something and, as that feeling is almost non-existent these days, thought I would just start before the feeling disappeared again.

It is the end of the Easter holidays. Back to work tomorrow. That's fine. I actually had a pretty good holiday apart from a couple of days in self-isolation because of Covid (I wasn't ill with it but I had it and did my moral duty and stayed away from people) and then I had a small spell of vertigo yesterday which was particularly annoying as I LOVE a Saturday off and was planning to make the most of it but instead had to spend the day in bed sleeping and binge watching stuff on Prime and the like. 

I am coming into my busiest term. Normally the summer term is the easiest but the theatre school I teach at has it's big show in June and my choir has 2 big concerts planned/booked this term. I normally put the choir concerts on after the school term has finished but no, not this time, I thought I would give myself a ridiculous amount to do this year and get everything done and dusted before the schools break up. It's either a brilliant move or a crazy one. I'll tell you which it was mid-July.

Although I am still a little lazy and lacking in motivation, I am definitely better than I was. I am slightly better prepared for everything I have going on and no longer constantly tired. I still get tired but not to the point that I can't do anything.

I turned 49 a couple of weeks ago and have decided that I am going to write a list (not a bucket list per se, although I suppose it is a bucket list for the end of my 40s) of things I want to do before I'm 50. I haven't gotten around to it yet but I will start writing it when I've finished with you.

When I was 39 I decided I wanted to get fit as I wanted to be as healthy as I possibly could be in order to live well for longer in life. I definitely got fitter but fell off the wagon at about 46 for a while. I got back on the horse and am trying to regain a little of what I have lost, fitness wise, over the past 3 years so getting fitter can definitely go on my "Farewell to my 40s" list. 

I have absolutely NO idea what I want to achieve over the next year but I want to achieve something. I don't want to do anything too crazy. I don't want to skydive or go to America or anything like that. I don't even have aspirations to own property anymore as that is nigh on impossible now. Given my time again I would have bought something back in 2003/4 when I had the most well-paid job of my career and probably would have got some sort of mortgage but now it really ain't going to happen unless I save up enough to buy something outright or win the lottery. 

I think my list will be full of practical, sensible things but it might be nice to include a couple of silly things I would still like to do but my brain fog is making it hard to bring them to the forefront of my mind right now. Perhaps a bit of meditation would help. I tried meditation a few years ago but these days I have to multitask whilst doing everything these days. Actually, having said that, I am writing this with no distractions whatsoever. No radio, no TV nothing. Just writing. That hardly ever happens!

I have nothing more to say right now so I'm going to love you and leave you. But I will leave you with 2 things. The first is a link to my Enlightened Singer blog. Click here to be redirected there and also click here to come and join the Enlightened Singer Facebook group. You would be very welcome. In addition below is a video I uploaded to YouTube. I just completed another 12 weeks on The Sing Space 16 Bar Challenge. This song, Parents Lie from Freaky Friday, was the last song we were given and it was one of my faves. Pop over to Instagram and follow The Incompetent Soprano there, again, you would be very welcome or follow me on YouTube.

Until next time, whenever that might be, enjoy!

You did what???....don't get too excited

I wanted to tell you about this at 9am this morning (it's now 4.15pm) but I have spent the whole day being productive. I really haven't stopped ALL DAY! 

I am now going to bore you with the ins and outs of my morning and how I managed to get a bit of motivation. Whether you want to hear about it or not!

So, this morning I woke up at about 7am. I got up, made a coffee and went back to bed to waste a bit of time on soshul meeja. At about 7.30 I suddenly had the urge to get up and go for a walk. Something like this vary rarely happens in the morning so I didn't think, I just got up, got dressed, put my headphones in my ears and chose a podcast to accompany my walk. 

It wasn't a sunny morning but it wasn't raining and wasn't too cold so conditions were definitely acceptable. I only walked for half an hour but I did it. I can't guarantee it will happen again but I hope it does as I ended up getting so many little bits and pieces done upon my return. I still have a to-do list as long as your arm but I did a couple of things I've been putting off so that felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted.

The podcast I listened to wasn't technically a podcast, it was more of an audio masterclass or a webinar without pictures. It was led by Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, and was called "Creative Living Beyond Fear". Not a title I would normally be excited by but I was in such a rush to get out on my walk that I picked it quickly. I'm glad I listened, though, as she really had some pearls of wisdom. I won't give away all her secrets as I listened to it on the Calm app and it's summat you have to pay for. However, I will tell you one thing she said.

I am constantly moaning about how little spare time I have. I really want to write and record an online course but I keep finding anything else to do rather than work on it. In a nutshell one thing somebody said to Elizabeth in her 20s was that in order to make time for her passion (writing, in her case) she would not only have to say no to the things she didn't really want to do but also say no to the things she did. 

I don't DO a lot of stuff other than work but there is nothing I like more than plonking myself down on the sofa and watching TV until my eyes go square so perhaps I need to be tougher on myself and not allow myself to watch as much TV and I DEFINITELY need to get off my phone as it is permanently fixed to my hand right now. 

So that's as near to a New Years Resolution I will get this year but I am going to attempt to halve the time I spend looking at screens and I'm also going to try and go for a walk early in the morning whenever the urge comes upon me again!

All I want for Christmas is motivation!

It’s been a while hasn’t it? As we approach the New Year it, as always, I am thinking about making New Years resolutions. I don’t often keep them and by the end of January I am beating myself up for not having more willpower. So perhaps this time I should just not make any and resolve to work on my battle with procrastination instead.

If you are an avid reader of this diary you will know that it has been suggested to me that I may be suffering from ADHD and this is why I have no motivation, can not concentrate on one task at a time and avoid doing the important things. However, I refuse to jump on the bandwagon. The world and his wife has some sort of attention deficit disorder (with or without the hyperactivity) but I think that’s life right now. I am in no way trying to say that if you have ADHD you should not seek help for it, you absolutely should, I just know I need to deal with whatever is going on myself.

To be perfectly honest, I think most of my problems stem from perimenopause rather than ADHD but I’m not going to discuss that right now. I will save that for another post. So what do I do about my lack of motivation? There are some aspects of my life that do not suffer because of a lack of motivation. I am always motivated when it comes to one part of my work life and that is my choir, Songsations. I say MY choir, yes I set it up and I run it as a one-man-band but I feel it belongs as much to the ladies who join it now as it does to me. We have just broken up for Christmas and did a number of really successful concerts over the past few weeks. I take a small amount of credit for how good they are but the majority of the credit has to go to the members and their commitment (although I must say it’s been a tough term with illness and the crazy cold spell we just went through).

I think the reason I am motivated to do the work for the choir is that they are also motivated and we keep each other going. Other aspects of my work life are not quite as straightforward. My private teaching relies heavily on the motivation of the student I’m teaching. Of course, I recognise that my job is to help people improve their singing, grow their confidence and enjoy the time they are paying for and I think I’m pretty good at delivering this but it can be very hard when people come for a lesson with no idea what they want to sing or work on in a lesson. I do find teaching quite draining these days and am thinking that I perhaps need to cut down on the amount I’m doing but we’ll see how 2023 pans out first.

The other aspect of my working life that needs looking at is my own singing. I haven’t really done much with my own singing recently, apart from the 16 Bar Challenge I did with The Sing Space a couple of months ago. I had to record 12 videos over 12 weeks and upload them to a private Facebook group, each week having a different genre to explore. I really enjoyed this until I realised there was going to be a “winner” picked for each category and I did not “win” any of them. This threw me into a proper downward spiral and started I started doubting my ability and decided I would never sing in public or on a video ever again. I am over this now and am about to embark upon another 16 Bar Challenge in the new year so, unfortunately for you, there will be more of my singing coming your way in the new year and, to be honest, I don’t really care what anyone thinks. At nearly 50 I am determined to only do things that make me happy and it won’t matter to me what anybody thinks of me or if I “win” any competitions.

I have come to realise that I do not have a fear of failure but, rather, a fear of success. I feel like I hold myself back because I like routine and I don’t like doing anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. I think this is why I never really lose weight. I put on about 3 stone over the last couple of years but have got back down to the weight I was before lockdown was a regularly used word in our vocabularies but I know I won’t lose any more unless I change my mindset. I tend to keep myself at a particular weight and never really deviate from that. I think this is because, if I lose weight, more opportunities will open up to me because I will feel happier in my own skin and not so fat and unattractive. I don’t really like travelling far from my flat and avoid doing anything out of the ordinary that I have no control over. I think this is why I feel I am stagnating, because I have visions and ideas to do new things but that annoying little voice in my head tells me to get over myself and stop thinking I deserve anything more than I have. THIS is the thing that needs work in 2023!

So that’s where I am, going into 2023. I hope you have all had a good 2022 or if you haven’t you are looking forward to the implied clean slate we all get going into the new year. I am determined to bother you with more posts in 2023 than I produced in 2022 but I promise to write some lighter, happier drivel in the coming weeks as I think we all need cheering up, especially me!

Feel free to comment or start a discussion below or on my Incompetent Soprano Facebook page. In the meantime, Merry Christmas and have this:

In the immortal words of Lady Gaga, "Baby I was born this way!"

This is a sneak preview of a post I wrote for The Enlightened Singer. Further down this post you will find details of how to join the private Facebook group. Come and join us!

Although I still do try to do my own singing I spend most of my life these days helping others find their voice. This is through private singing lessons, group lessons and through my work with my 4 choirs (yes, somehow I now run 4 choirs). One thing I find, from the people I teach is, almost everyone wants something they don't have.

I include myself in this. Some people want to be able to sing higher, some lower, some more sweetly, some more belty etc... However, over my many, many years of singing I have learnt to love the voice I have and work with what I've got. Of course I always strive for more but I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. The sooner you accept the voice you have the easier it is to start improving it as you won't then be chasing a voice you can NEVER have.

Of course this doesn't mean we give up on our "dreams" it just means with acceptance comes clarity (sorry, didn't mean to make up an inspirational quote there). Once we are clear as to the kind of voice we have, and what it is capable of, we can work on making the changes that are possible for our individual sound, if we actually need to make changes.

This doesn't mean we don't need singing teachers and coaches, we do. Another pair of ears listening to us is very important as the sound we hear in our own ears/head is not the sound everyone else hears. A singing teacher or vocal coach can help you realise that the way we feel when we sing is as, if not more, important as how it sounds to us.

A big thing I find when listening to the singers I teach is many do not realise that we sing with more than just our larynx. In order to make the best sound we can our whole body needs to get involved. With this in mind many things can be "fixed" with our voices by working on our breathing. We will cover this in a bit more detail in a later blog post. 

For now I have a little task for you. I want you to pick a song. It can be anything but needs to be something you know really well, Happy Birthday would suffice. I want you to close your eyes and hum it but I want you to take your time over every phrase, no rushing! How does the sound feel in  your body? Try not to think about the sound just enjoy the sensations. That is all you have to do to start with. There will be an accompanying video to go with this so don't worry if this sounds like gobbledegook right now.

In order to see the aforementioned video go to The Enlightened Singer on Facebook and join the group so you can join me live on Wednesday 31st August (I'll let you know the time a couple of days before). I hope you don't mind me digressing from the usual type of post I put on here but they do say, variety is the spice of life! 

Consistency: the mother of productivity......or summat like that.

So, as you know, if you follow me in any way, I have not been particularly consistent when it comes to writing this, or any other, blog. The more I think about it, the more I think the lovely lady who got in touch to suggest I may have adult ADHD may have been on to something. Don't worry, that's not what I'm going to talk about as I don't know anything about it and can only talk about what I do know about.

I have many irons in many fires at the moment. I run 4 choirs a week during term time, teach for a local dance school 3 days a week, teach privately 2 days a week and I'm trying to start producing online courses. This has led to some incredible overwhelm, procrastination and some daily watching of Friends (from the very beginning). Thankfully, right now, I am on my Summer break so it is not the end of the world to sit around doing nothing for a while but I have a long, LONG to do list that isn't getting any smaller.

I may have mentioned before that I am obsessed with webinars and doing free challenges on Facebook, well, one challenge I wanted to start today was a Go Live for 21 Days challenge but I have managed to talk myself out of it. How and why have I done this I hear you ask!

Firstly, why would ANYONE want to listen to me? I know I have very little in the way of self esteem so this isn't really a ridiculous question, however, let's turn that around, why WOULDN'T anyone want to listen to me? There will undoubtedly be some people who think I'm a bit of a knob, unfunny and boring BUT, and that BUT deserves the capital letters methinks, who cares if there are some who feel that way? You can not be all things to all people so I should really stop worrying and just do it.

In an effort to try and get used to recording lives on Facebook I set up my very own private Facebook group to practice in. It wasn't my idea, I have heard this suggested by a few online coaches as a way of getting used to filming yourself. I have done quite a bit of self taping in the past couple of years but recently I have had these raging doubts and worries that people will think I'm ridiculous. Or rather, more ridiculous than before.

As a woman on her own, of a certain age, I am very conscious of having to make some extra cash in order to have a slightly more financially secure future. Unfortunately one particular coach whose webinars I watch religiously says that we should not chase goals from a place of scarcity but from abundance. I still don't know how to do this but I am trying! What I am thinking, though, is if I can work on my consistency when it comes to posting in all my Facebook groups, Instagram accounts, Twitter et al perhaps I can grow my audiences and get a little closer to the financial stability I crave. In order to do this I need to get over myself and make sure I put myself in front on the right people, the people who will appreciate and want to hear what I have to say. To be fair, that includes you! Surely you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to hear what I have to say. Would you?

So, prepare for some consistency people! I am going to start the Go Live for 21 Days in about 5 minutes but don't worry, the 21 lives will not all be on my Incompetent Soprano Facebook page. I will spread the joy to my Songsations and Enlightened Singer pages as well. I wouldn't want to make a nuisance of myself! Perhaps if any of you are feeling anything remotely similar you could try embracing consistency as well. Let me know how you get on.

Just had to take a little unfiltered pic of my pigtails. 

Has nothing to do with this post!

A change is as good as a rest......umm no, a rest is much better!

I realise I have not been particularly prolific on here of late and I think this is for a number of reasons. Or rather, it could be for one of many reasons but I can't work out which. 

We are approaching the end of another school year. I have no children but all of my business endeavours revolve around the school timetable. This means I am constantly waiting for the school holidays so that I can do nothing for a week or two (or six in the summer). I don't really like this feeling, I would love to have a little more freedom.

My fatigue is a little out of hand right now and I have a very busy 3 weeks ahead which is quite daunting. I've talked about my loss of mojo before and I have, recently (or for the past 3 years or so) put this down to being perimenopausal but I'm not so sure anymore. One of you lovely readers got in touch to ask if I thought I may have ADHD. I shrugged this off, thinking it seems very fashionable for adults to suddenly be diagnosed with ADHD and so I didn't really take this suggestion seriously. I can't be bothered to do anything about this (which I have read is a classic ADHD symptom) and really want to try and locate my mojo without medical intervention. 

Of course this means that I am probably going to procrastinate like crazy and do nothing for 3 weeks until I am finally on my summer break but this is probably precisely what I shouldn't do. Therefore, in an effort to find a little more energy I have decided to make one small change that I am hoping will help.

During lockdown I had got myself into the habit of going for a daily walk, as we couldn't really do much else and then, once we were allowed to go everywhere again, I went nowhere! So I have reintroduced the daily walk. I have set myself a goal of, at least, 5000 steps per day and I have everything crossed that I will see a change in my energy levels because of it. I know I need to do more than this and perhaps I should be seeing a doctor to check all is well but I've never liked making a fuss about stuff so don't want to waste anyone's time.

Hopefully I will have something more interesting to tell you next time I write as I am getting completely bored with myself so can only imagine how you feel reading this. In the meantime take care of yourselves and I'll be in touch again soon!

Starting here, starting now!

Well, for a change, I did what I said I would do. You may, or may not, remember I said I was working on a new song in my last post (click here to read it if you missed it). So I learnt the song and I recorded the song and now I'm on the hunt for more songs.

It's not perfect but I thought a work in progress type video would be good enough for now. It still needs a bit more work but it shows me, as well as everyone else, that it is worth working on. It has been a while since I have wanted to learn a new song so I am hoping this is the start of a trend.

I have a working title for a new cabaret set, "Boys, Boys, Boys" (like the Sabrina song from the 80s) and I have been putting together a list of possible songs. I don't know if I will ever find a home for this new set but if I can get my act together (pun intended) I might actually manage to put myself out there before the end of the year. 

Having said that, things are busy at Claire Platt - Singing Teacher HQ and Songsations HQ so I have to work out how to use my time economically so I still have time for my own stuff. I have started scheduling my time a little better already. I teach for a dance school and those times are set in stone so I have tried to set aside certain times for my private singing lessons rather than working around other people's schedules. This means I can also schedule time every week to work on Boys, Boys, Boys (pun also intended). Fingers crossed this all works. 

I have never been particularly good at using my time efficiently. I am a fly by the seats of my pants kind of girl. All my essays at university were done the night before they were due in. Except one that I worked really hard on over a couple of weeks and got an A for. It's just a shame I didn't learn from that! I am determined to use all of my time productively from now on. Of course I also need to schedule time for watching shit on Netflix. That's very important.

So if you want to have a gander at what I've been up to, the video is below (if the video doesn't show up click the link instead). https://youtu.be/4TSQjtcqJ-g

Jack of all trades, master of none!

It has been a rollercoaster of a week, I can tell you. Much as I hate those posts that tease the audience into wondering, what is going on, or coerce people into commenting, “you OK hun?” I can’t give you all the details about what happened to me this week but, do not fret, all is well now. I think.

This "happening" caused me to think about what I am doing with my life right now. Don’t worry this isn’t one of those “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” or “something has to change” posts. I have fingers in many pies right now but I’m struggling to work out the best path to travel down. I am consistently guilty of spreading myself too thin which means I can turn my hand to many things but don’t feel like I am the master (or mistress) of any of these things.

So I'm not sure what my focus should be at the moment. I run a choir, Songsations, I teach private singing lessons and write a blog about singing Sing Your Song, I have an Instagram page called The 60 Second Singer, I teach for two theatre schools and I'm trying to write and set up some online courses. I haven't mastered any one of these things but I would love to be mistress of all of the things I have set up.

What to do about this? Well, I am a very impatient person. I remember when I was about 8 years old becoming obsessed with reading and, in particular, reading quickly. I wasn't very good at taking my time with books. If I started a book I had to finish it ASAP. This is not the case now. I have about 6 books on the go right now and I doubt I will finish any of them any time soon. It's too much like hard work. I think this is why I like blogging and why I'll probably never write a book. I can write a blog post in an hour but a book would take weeks or months and I do not have the patience to do it. If I start something I want it finished.

I think this is why I had trouble learning, or rather, retaining songs at college. I would learn songs very quickly, perform them and then immediately forget them. I also think this is why, when I have a to-do list as long as Beyonce's legs, I do none of it and binge watch something on Netflix instead (other streaming platforms are available) as I get too overwhelmed by the feeling I HAVE to do something. I am an excellent ostrich, constantly burying my head in the sand. To be honest I should be working now but I'd rather write this.

Do I have a solution? Not really, no. I know it takes willpower and I need to build new habits. A few years ago I Marie Kondo'd my flat to within an inch of it's life and I ended up creating 2 specific habits from that experience. One is I always wash up my frying pan when I make my omelette for breakfast. Without fail. I NEVER leave it in the sink to "soak". The second is I always fold my socks and put them away in a certain way in my sock drawer. I'm OCD about this. So I know I am capable of building habits, I suppose I just have to do it.

I am still a little obsessed with webinars and a watched a great one about forming habits the other day. I had planned to do everything the host suggested: getting up at 5am (never going to happen so I changed it to 6am), exercising for 20 minutes as soon as I got up, 20 minutes journaling every morning and 20 minutes of learning (all before breakfast) plus a couple of other things. I have managed none of this. 

What I should have done was take one of these ideas and run with just that for a while and slowly added the other elements. I think they say it takes something like 66 days to form a habit (I might have made up that number but it is another number if not that one) so if I had any patience whatsoever I would spend 66 days forming each habit like I did with the frying pan and my sock drawer. Perhaps I have answered my own question there. 

Another webinar I watched reminded me of the fact it takes 10000 hours of practise/learning to become an expert in something. This is why I am unlikely to be a master of anything. I have the concentration of a puppy so find practise or sitting down and concentrating on anything for longer than 5 minutes very difficult. One method that has been suggested to me is to set a timer for 20 minutes. Work for those 20 minutes and when the alarm goes off I can go and make a brew or do something else and then reset the alarm and do it again. It's an idea and sounds like a pretty doable idea actually. My problem is motivating myself to do this. I’m not going to blame Lockdown or the pandemic for this lack of motivation. I have always been like this. Perhaps I need to add a touch of meditation. Unfortunately I don’t have the patience which is ironic really.

I realised today I have actually developed a new habit recently. At the beginning of the year I made the resolution to "move my body” for 10 minutes a day. It is now March 11th and I have been for a walk everyday (apart from 2 but I did other exercise at home on those days) which means, after 70 days, I am now in the realm of this being a habit now. This adds to my steadily growing belief that I do have some willpower, I just need to be able to hone it and direct it towards the things I really would like to achieve in the fairytale that is playing out in my imagination. 

So, I definitely have much to think about and I desperately want to feel like I have mastered something in life. I shall go and set my alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I will probably turn it off and go back to sleep but, hey, it's a start innit!

Burn (out), Baby Burn(out)!

I had started writing this post before Christmas as I was feeling a little like I couldn't cope anymore. Yet here we are in 2021 and I feel very different. 

I had an interesting Christmas, on my own down South and as I said in my last post, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow I quite enjoyed the peace and quiet. The 3 weeks or so I had to myself was invaluable but I am now feeling a little restless. I know we probably shouldn't make any big life changes right now but something has to change, I think.

I had been feeling overwhelmed and like I needed the world to stop (pretty sure I'm not alone there) but now I feel overwhelmed in a different way. My energy levels are up thanks to the daily walks but my head is spinning with ideas but I don't feel I have a way to see the ideas through to fruition.

Does anyone else feel like we have far too much time to think? I suppose that question is aimed at the other singletons really as those of you with families, I imagine, have PLENTY to keep you occupied right now. It might not be things you want to be occupied with but your brain space is occupied nonetheless. I am having trouble catching my thoughts at the moment. I have loads of ideas but the second I start working on one idea another idea muscles in and tries to take over the part of my brain that is trying to sort out the original idea. This ultimately ends with me giving up and binge-watching summat on Netflix (other streaming sites are available). 

This is not a moaning post at all. It's more frustration. I have such friendly envy for all those people who are making things happen during this crazy time and just wish I could make things happen the way they do. I have started a couple of things but I am not able to get them out there so enough people see them. I have attended webinars galore on marketing and social media use but still can't seem to get the 1000 subscribers they say I should be able to get from watching their webinars. I'm not naive. I know watching a webinar isn't going to change things but it should be a start. Anyway, I'm sure something will click in to place eventually.

I'm not looking to be famous or a millionaire but I would like to pay my bills without worrying about how (wouldn't we all). But it's not even only about money, it's about feeling useful. I don't always feel useful. 

Well, I'm going to wrap it up there and leave you with of a pic of me looking like a snowman during my walk yesterday. Oh and if you don't mind, could you visit my new Instagram venture, The 60 Second Singer and give the page a follow? I'll be posting videos with little singing tips, tricks, techniques not longer than 60 seconds, hence the name. I really want to build this one into something, not sure what, yet, but definitely something.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks....or can you?

So, a LOT has happened since I last wrote. Pretty much all of it beyond my control. It may surprise you to know I am unable to cure Covid-19, I wish I could, but was never my bag at school so curing a global pandemic would not be listed as one of my skills on my CV. I am, however, considering myself to be a professional tea drinker now. Has anyone else found themselves drowning in tea?

I must say the Lockdown that was imposed upon us in the UK has not been all bad for me. It began with me being ill for the first 2 weeks so that wasn't great. I quite possibly had Covid-19 but I didn't get a test so I don't know for sure. However, I didn't leave my flat for 14 days just in case. That was the worst bit I'd say. 

Once I had recovered, I then had to set about fathoming the online meeting platform that is Zoom in order to run singing lessons and my choir online as well as doing a few bits and pieces for myself. In an effort to keep the kids I teach interested in singing whilst on Zoom, I taught myself how to produce virtual choir videos. I am in no way a master of this but it is a new skill and one I would not have acquired were it not for Lockdown. My video editing skills have gone from very basic to just above basic. I feel like I actually have a hobby now! I don't have a garden, I don't have a great kitchen and though I had intended to read every book on singing going, I didn't. I have attended countless webinars and talks on singing but I am finding concentrating on actual reading to be very difficult right now so the video editing thing became a bit of an obsession. Other ways I have kept busy is by watching old Eurovision Song Contests with friends over Zoom and many, many online quizzes. I thoroughly recommend Steve M's Sunday Lockdown Quiz on Facebook (it will be online for a while yet so have a go).

My choir, Songsations, also moved online and I produced 4 virtual choir videos for them too. I have loved working with the choir online and many members of the choir have also enjoyed it. I think it was a bit of a lifeline for some of them. It definitely was for me. The online thing is something I'm going to continue in some capacity for both the choirs and one to one singing lessons. Online meeting platforms are essentially now the norm and will remain part of our lives long after we emerge from this, of that I am sure.

Although I saw my income drop by almost exactly 50% I am definitely one of the lucky ones. I have managed to keep my business going and been able to pay my rent. I know many people who have struggled. We have all been forced to think outside the box and find new ways to make a living. 

So, at the time of writing, August 2020, we are starting to return to our places of work and this adds a new level of pressure. Guidelines for singing, and whether it is safe to do so in the presence of other people, have been released and the consensus seems to be that one to one singing lessons can start again if you can deliver these lessons in a large well ventilated space. My second floor flat no longer cuts it, I fear, and I need to find somewhere else to teach. My downstairs neighbour will be thrilled about that. The hall where I run my choir is, fingers crossed, going to be the place for this from now on. We have to wear face coverings in this hall at the moment but I feel it's worth a go if it means I can be in the same room as my students.

That said, I am anxious about starting up again. Not because I'm scared but because nobody really knows what is going to happen once everything does open up again. Will we have a second wave, will I have to self-isolate because I was in a Caffé Nero for more than 15 minutes when another punter with Covid was there? Who knows! And that is the worry. This anxiousness is what is stopping me from starting my choir meeting in person right now. Although the "rules" seem to suggest we can start rehearsing together again it just doesn't feel right yet. The research carried out in the Perform study (ParticulatE Respiratory Matter to InForm Guidance for the Safe Distancing of PerfOrmeRs in a COVID-19 PandeMic - catchy) has concluded that singing is no more dangerous than speaking, however, it all comes down to volume. The louder we sing/speak the more aerosols and droplets are emitted. With that in mind I have taken the decision to keep the choir online for the foreseeable. The problem with this is about half of the members of my 2 choirs haven't tried a Zoom session and don't really want to start now, which is a shame, but an understandable one. It's not the same and, to be fair, some people just aren't able to join us online so this is in no way a criticism, just an observation. I may write another post about this, although, as I intimated at the beginning of this post, I am not a scientist.

So that's a quick overview of my choir and teaching shenanigans but what of my own singing? Well I was inspired for the first 3 months of Lockdown and then something happened that left me unable to sing at the flat anymore so I've taken a few steps backwards recently. I did manage to book a room in which to do some singing and record some new songs for the choir a couple of weeks ago. I had the whole place to myself and those 3 hours spent singing properly and fully were the best 3 hours I'd had since March. I even managed to record a video, to be included in my choirs "End Of Term" online concert, of me singing an actual song. I have the room booked to do more next week and I can not wait. 

So there we have it, in a nutshell. There is so much more to discuss but as I haven't posted since February you may well have collapsed due to the shock of me producing something for you to read. I'm quite disappointed in myself that I have had since March 23rd to write something for you and it has taken me until August 30th to actually post something. So as a little extra gift, from me to you, I thought I would share my little video with you here. Excuse my unbrushed hair and the fact I couldn't remember the words so had them up on my phone. To be fair it's a miracle I'm sharing anything right now!

PS The title of this post may seem a little familiar. It did to me. So I trawled my previous posts and found I had used a similar title before. I'm not going to change this posts title as I can't think of another but if you fancy reading the other post you'll find it here. Enjoy.

If you’re having trouble opening the video click here

Incompetent by name, incompetent by nature!

It’s been a while hasn’t it! So what has brought me out of the woodwork? Well I have more to say than would be acceptable in a normal Facebook post so I thought I would write a diary entry instead. 

Last time I threatened to talk about Brexit but I’m not going to do that. I could write about my choir but I don’t think I’ll do that either (well, perhaps in a roundabout way).  What I REALLY want to talk about is The Masked Singer but I have been SO appallingly bad at guessing who they are thus far that I won’t embarrass myself by telling you who I believe them all to be. All I will say is this, if Octopus is not Our Kath (Katherine Jenkins) I will eat ALL my hats.

Anyway enough of that. Presently, I feel like I’m in limbo. Once again, I’m not sure what I am meant to be doing. I’m just trundling along.

Just when I think things are going well something comes along and pulls the rug out from under me. Up until two weeks ago I was pretty content and then something happened that made me doubt myself and everything around me. Now I can’t get anything done and I have the worst brain fog known to man. I had to get out of the house this morning so am writing this in Costa (standard). I do wonder if I am about to reach that milestone most women reach at some point. No not the moment they try a green olive and think “hmm that’s rather delicious” no the M word (menopause). It would explain the constant forgetfulness, aforementioned brain fog, the crying at anything and everything (I heard a choir of children singing on the radio and that made me go) and the sudden weight gain (absolutely nothing to do with Christmas and zero exercise). Don’t worry boys that’s the last time I’ll mention that word. I really should read a book about it as it’s going to happen but unfortunately, and this could be another symptom, I just can’t be arsed.

Anyway, I’m not going to go into detail about what happened that dark, chilly January evening as someone who was there might read this and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m having a go (to be fair it was probably my fault that it went the way it did anyway). Last time I wrote about, essentially, not being satisfied with my lot. I work, a lot. Probably too much, but I am on my own, I have to pay the bills (London prices) and don’t want to resort to eating baked beans. I hate baked beans. 

The one thing I have done for myself is give myself a day off. This has helped but not enough. I enjoy what I do but the balance isn’t right and I want to create some time (can one create time?) that can be given over to working on my own creativity and not helping others be creative.

It’s now a few days later and I have moved to Caffè Nero. The main obstacle standing in my way right now is a lack of self belief. I have feelings of mediocrity in everything I do which leads me into a state of malaise and a total lack of enthusiasm in some aspects of my life. I think I know what I want but fear has a habit of stopping me in my tracks. I also have an awful tendency to let things carry on as they are which means nothing ever changes.

I read one of those inspirational quotes yesterday. It said “You are where you are meant to be!” Poppycock. Yes I am sure I’m supposed to be here on earth and alive but when you get down to the nitty gritty am I actually where I’m meant to be? Is anyone meant to be in Croydon? I often wonder, and I am really not sure I’m doing exactly what I am meant to be doing. I want to teach (a bit), I DEFINITELY want to run my choirs but I also fancy doing a bit of singing and at the moment I have no get up and go or drive to sort myself out. 

So, in these unstable, uncertain times I am thinking of ditching some regular paid work in order to do my own thing. This would free up time for creativity but shouldn’t leave me short financially, if I’m canny about it. Call me crazy but I think it is necessary for my sanity. I will keep you posted (although it could be another year before I write again - if you’re lucky!). 

Did anyone miss me?

Well hello again. Before I begin I just want to say this is not a post that requires you to feel sorry for me. I don’t get out much and very rarely talk to many people about what is really on my mind these days so this is more a stream of consciousness thing than a give me all the attention post. All is very well in my world right now, if a little jumbled.

Anyway, funny how every couple of years since about 2005 I feel a need to rethink my life choices. Funny, also, that this re-evaluation coincides with the Cardiff Singer of the World competition. The heats started on Sunday evening and they always make me wonder if I did the right thing back in 2003 when I was about to start work on an opera in Oxford but then got offered, and accepted, a spot in the ensemble of Jerry Springer: The Opera at The National Theatre.

Of course it was the right thing to do but I never really tried to get back into the opera thing, apart from a short stint as Constanze in Die Entführung aus dem Serail back in 2005. To be fair Constanze was top of my operatic bucket list so at least I did it before the whole opera thing went tits up. There were more roles on that bucket list that I haven’t got to sing, some of which weren’t ever likely to happen, like Tosca, although I thought I had a glimmer of a chance of doing this at the Kings Head a few years back. Teeny tiny venue so wouldn’t have been a problem for my medium sized voice, but, alas, ‘twas not to be and it was the only role I’ve ever cried over not getting - probably because it felt like the one and only opportunity. However, Cardiff Singer always makes me think “what if?”

It is a while since I have done any performing, although I do have a gig in the diary for September, but I am not entirely sure I miss it at the moment. I have been doing a lot of teaching. Teaching has its ups and downs, I’m sure every profession has it’s ups and downs, and for the most part I do enjoy it but over the past few months I have come to realise that I would love to spend more time developing a side project I began nearly two years ago, The Songsations.

My choir, The Songsations, has gone from strength to strength. So much so that I started a second choir back in January. Both are doing well and have healthy numbers most weeks. I love everything about what I do with the choirs from the prep to the rehearsals to the concerts (except when I have to play the piano in concerts, that still terrifies me).

Although I love the choir and I do enjoy teaching I really have that fear that I’ll get to 75 (fingers crossed I get to 75) and wonder why I never really gave it a good go. Hearing this year’s Cardiff singers makes me think, in some cases, I was as good as they were (not as good as all of them - the Ukrainian mezzo was freaking fantastic - and she didn’t even win her heat). I suppose my trouble was, and still is, I don’t believe in myself, but I also don’t believe others believe in me either. You may know me and be reading this thinking “of course I believe(d) in you Claire”. You probably did but unfortunately my perception of life as a whole is to always expect the worst.

My old singing teacher, whom I adored so please don’t judge from what I am about to say, used to ponder the fact that I was constantly overlooked at college and then at auditions and would offer up reasons for this. One was my weight, the other was my slightly crooked teeth (there have been some LOVELY teeth in this year’s Cardiff Singer competition). Unfortunately I am the type of person that grabs hold of the negative and runs with it. In this case, as soon as anyone mentioned my weight I’d go and eat a cake. Therefore I went into auditions believing that I wasn’t going to get it because of the way I looked. I stopped auditioning for the serious or romantic lead type parts quite early on, preferring to go for the quirky, fat, funny characters because when I went for these kinds of characters I had a teensy bit of self belief because I believed I was/am all those things (not that I am saying I am funny). Don’t feel sorry for me or start telling me I’m wrong, that’s not why I’m writing this. It’s more out of a need for catharsis and to just put my feelings out there into the world. I don’t need anyone responding with “are u OK hun?” or the like. I am absolutely fine, better than I’ve been in ages, just having a contemplative moment.

Saying all that, and playing Devil’s advocate with my own life choices, perhaps I did exactly the right thing and am now doing what I was always supposed to do. I’m pretty sure we all have those moments when we think “what the fuck is going on?” I feel my problem is balancing work and life. I work all the time and feel I am becoming exceedingly boring to be around (to be honest, I’m amazed you’ve made it this far reading this). I have nothing to talk about except teaching or my choir. Interesting for a while but I would love to have other things to chat about from time to time. This is a problem that can only really be rectified by trying to bunch all my teaching together and giving myself some actual time off. At the moment I do 6-9 hours a day, every day and, even though I have some mornings off, I am constantly fretting about starting work later in the day which leaves me unable to organise the odd rendezvous with friends. I also think I need a hobby. I thought about training to be a Zumba teacher but decided I was kidding myself I could do that (actually a friend put me off by implying I’m a shit dancer so I shelved that idea). Perhaps I should join a choir myself, problem with that is I have never liked being in the background when singing so I might find this frustrating. I wish I could draw but I’m too impatient. I’d love to write a book but, again, impatience is the problem. I’d want to finish it in a couple of hours. Maybe I could join the WI and make jam, I’m about the right age. Who knows! All I know is, the next time I get around to writing another of these things I’d like to be able to talk about something interesting. Ooh how about Brexit?

A girl can change her mind!

So, it has been a while (understatement). I don’t actually know if anyone wants to read this stuff anymore but I will keep putting out there when the muse takes me, for now. I’m actually writing this in the name of procrastination. There are many, many other things I should be doing but I simply have not got the energy or inclination to anything but write this.

I have had a lot to think about over the past few months and I think I’ve made some decisions about how to move forward over the next year. In past posts I have talked about waiting for something to happen or feeling like something is going to happen. I now realise this is not the case. If I wait for things to fall into my lap nothing will ever change and I’ll be no better off than I am now in years to come and I will find I’ve squandered life and achieved precisely nothing from age 40 onwards. Either that or you will find me, unshowered, sitting on my sofa watching reruns of Tenable (my new favourite game show). I am lucky that I have done interesting things in the past. I’ve done a bit of travelling, seen a bit of the world but with my dreadful memory I need to be making memories (not a fan of that phrase but it is appropriate) now so I remember interesting things that have happened to me and not just what happened on Homes Under the Hammer yesterday.

So at the moment the majority of my time is crammed full of teaching at after school theatre/dance schools, private teaching at home and prep for The Songsations (my choir keeps me sane). This was never the plan and I HAVE to address it NOW or I will get to 50 and not have moved forward at all. Therefore I have decided I need a 2 year plan to change my life! Having said that, the situation might not change hugely. At the moment I am loving teaching. I think the thing I didn’t/don’t like about teaching is the preparation. This takes me back to procrastination which is at the root of all my troubles and woes. I have a definite tendency towards laziness and will find anything to do rather than do the things that need to be done now.

However, last night I went to a performance given by students at one of the schools I teach at and I came away feeling quite inspired. Over 300 children were involved and they put on a really professional show. They sang their hearts out and danced their socks off and, as some of the students on the stage were my students, I realised that I had helped that happen and it made me feel proud of them and of me. I, in some very small way, played a part in helping those children feel confident enough to get on a stage in front of all those people.

So where does this leave me and my indecisive brain? Who knows! But, what I do now know is that if I put in a little bit of extra work over the next few days and make sure all of my prep is done for my teaching and the choir, instead of resorting to daytime TV,  I might then find I have a bit more time for myself and, you never know, I might get around to sorting out that cabaret I have been threatening you all with for SO long.

Live your best life they say.....What is that exactly?

So, I have heard this phrase a lot over the past few months and, although I know what the words mean, I don’t really know what they mean for me. I just know that this can not be my best life. Please don’t roll your eyes and think this is going to be, yet another, woe is me post. It’s not!

I teach, A LOT and we have, finally, reached the end of the school year. Apart from the fear that I am going to be skint for the next couple of months, this pleases me immeasurably. I have spread myself very thin. I am physically and emotionally spent. I know this because I have just watched Mamma Mia (the original film not the new one) and cried 3 times (and not because of Pierce Brosnan’s singing, I really don’t mind his singing actually). I know something has to change but I don’t know what and I don’t know how to change it. I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off. It just keeps going round and round, making my head spin to the point that I can’t think straight (ooh sorry about that over-the-top nonsense).

So you can only imagine how thrilled I am that the rollercoaster has come to a standstill for the next week. Well I say a standstill, I still have to prepare for the one summer school I have managed to bag, but at least I can do that from the comfort of my sofa. I then have my very first concert with my choir, The Songsations, on August 11th.

Might as well get a cheeky plug in. The choir is, kind of, keeping me sane at the moment. I’m not sure whether I will feel the same at 7pm on the 11th August but Tuesday evening (when we rehearse) is, by far, my favourite evening in any week at the moment. With that in mind I thought I should start another branch of The Songsations on another evening but the only evening I could run it at a decent time would be Fridays but do people want to join a choir on a Friday night? I tried doing a poll but it was fairly inconclusive. The  thing is, I absolutely know what I don’t want to do anymore but getting out of it is impossible right now as it would leave me without the money to pay my rent. Not ideal, especially for my landlord. So I find myself in a vicious circle.

Having talked to many other teachers who still have one foot dangling in the performing side of things I realise that I am not the only one who feels like they have got themselves stuck in a rut they can’t seem to wriggle out of. My particular problem is that I hate letting anyone down. I have worked for one particular dance school for 4 years exactly now. I teach on Wednesday evenings and all day Saturdays for them (I teach singing NOT dance!!!) and in the 4 years I have been there I have not had a single day off! I finished 45mins early one Saturday during my first year there to go and do a gig but that did not affect anything, no cover was needed, we just combined a couple of classes. I am proud of the fact I haven’t had a day off but, at the same time, wonder what opportunities I have let pass me by because of my need to please other people.

I have decided that I am going to do some hard thinking over the summer and come up with a plan! If the choir has taught me anything it is that, although I enjoy teaching kids, I prefer working with adults so more choirs are definitely on the horizon (perhaps I’ll put the Sunday choir plans back into the melting pot). I need a 2 year plan. It was going to be a 5 year plan but, at my age, I have to get a move on. 

So, I am hoping the summer is going to bring the breathing space and thinking time I need to work out what it is I need and want to do going forward. I do know sitting on my sofa watching Mamma Mia is not going to solve this conundrum and I need to get out and start chasing what I actually want and as Wimbledon has now finished I have no excuse not to get on with it!