2026 here we go!

I am not going to start this saying I intend to update this diary more often as who knows what will happen over the coming year but I thought I would do a quick recap of something that happened in 2025 and then look ahead to 2026. I know reading long posts is something we all struggle with these days so I will be so grateful to anyone who reads this. You might want to make a cuppa first!

The biggest thing that happened to me in 2025 happened in August. I had my first trip to an operating theatre to have my gallbladder removed. Most people would think something like this would be traumatising but it was actually a very positive experience. 

I had been suffering with gallstones for 3 or 4 years (I fibbed to the doctors and said it had only been a year) and had managed the pain myself until July 2025. I had not called 111 or made an appointment to have it checked out with my GP as I figured I had a handle on it and I didn't want to bother the doctor when we are told that we shouldn't when things are not that serious. Therefore, I rarely bother my GP with anything. Anyway, the attack I had in July, my first in 6 months, was the worst one yet and caused me to call 111 (another first). The lovely lady I spoke to arranged an ambulance for me, I said I'd make my own way to A&E, she said "you're not driving!", I said "no, I'll get the bus", she said "no, I'm sending an ambulance". The ambulance arrived within 30 minutes and they took me off to SDEC (same day emergency care) which turned out to be a true blessing as I was seen within 15mins of arriving. I was triaged, had blood taken, saw the registrar all by 11am. They then wanted to take more blood to fully check my liver. Three nurses tried to get my veins to cooperate and eventually they did. An appointment had been made for an ultrasound the following day so I was told to go home after the blood had been taken so by 2pm I was walking out the door. I then got a call at 2.54pm from the registrar asking me to go back as they had just received a result they had been waiting on and that was higher than it should be so by 4pm I was back in SDEC. I was then sent for a CT scan and at about 5.30pm and I was told I had signs of pancreatitis and would need to stick around. I was hooked up to an IV (another first). There were no beds available but I couldn't stay in SDEC so I was sent to ED (an offshoot of A&E) and set up in a reclining chair where I stayed until they moved me at 10am the following morning to AMU (Acute Medical Unit). Still no beds so I was put in a chair at the end of a ward to wait for a bed to be vacated.

I was still booked in for the ultrasound at 11am but at 10.35am the doctors did their rounds and spoke to me. They decided not to send me for my ultrasound but to take more blood after which I could eat something, not that I really wanted to. I agreed to eat a banana and have a cup of tea. At 1.11pm two members of the surgical team came to talk to me and said I DID need the ultrasound and this would more than likely tell them my gallbladder had to come out but they couldn't fit me in that day (Thursday). They made an appointment for me on Saturday morning but said if I stuck around and didn't leave they would be able to get the ultrasound done on the Friday so I reluctantly said I'd stick around. At 1.46pm I was told I was getting a bed, at 4.50pm as was moved to another chair in another ward next to a bed that was waiting for a new mattress. At 5.38pm I finally had a bed to get into and at 5.45pm I was fed THE MOST DELICIOUS chicken dinner I have eaten in my life (I still dream of it). At 6pm 3 surgeons rocked up and said I would not be getting the ultrasound on Friday after all and it would actually be on the Saturday so I should go home! I had had a bed for 20 minutes! As it was I had to wait for my cannula to be removed and my discharge papers sorted so I had the bed until 7.50pm before the speediest taxi driver took me home and I was back in my own bed by 8.15pm.

The next part of the story is not that interesting so I'll just say, the ultrasound was done on the Saturday after which I had to wait in the "Hot Clinic" to speak to a surgeon. He said I had lots of tiny gallstones in my gallbladder and that he recommended having it out but first he wanted to do an MRI. MRI was booked for two weeks later and I had a pre-op appointment booked for the beginning of September. MRI happened (that was actually the bit I liked the least out of everything that occurred) and exactly 2 weeks later on the 19th August I had a phone call asking me if I could get to the hospital the following morning at 7.30am as they wanted to take the gallbladder out sooner rather than later and they happened to have a slot come up. I was in Fleetwood when I got the call but I was not going to pass up the opportunity for the surgery then as it was during the summer holidays and would mean I did not miss any work so I hot-footed it back to Croydon.

The following day I was first on the list so had it whipped out at about 8.30am that morning. I mentioned to the anaesthetist that I was a singer and could they be careful when inserting the tube they had to insert down my throat. He took this as a challenge and made sure he used a smaller tube and was very careful when inserting and extracting. I am SO thankful for this bit in particular as I didn't suffer afterwards with even the slightest sore throat. After I woke up, at around 11am, I went to recovery and there I stayed until about 5pm before I was sent home. I had to eat something before they discharged me and, once again, Croydon University Hospital came up trumps. I had THE MOST DELICIOUS chicken sandwich I have ever eaten (I threw it up again later but I think it was the anaesthetic that caused that not the sandwich).

And that was that really. I feel SO lucky that everything happened as it did. I wanted the operation to happen during the holidays and the stars aligned to make that happen. I had to be very careful for the next 6-8 weeks following the operation but I was well enough to start back at work 3 weeks after and for the first Christmas in 3 years or so, this year I could eat whatever I wanted without worrying that I would have a gallstone flare up. I had no time to worry about the surgery or to do any real research beforehand (partly because I had my head buried in the sand that it would ever actually happen). Since having it removed I have read so many horror stories about other people's experiences so I'm glad I didn't have time to think about it. That said, if this happens to you or anyone you know in the future, know that I have had zero problems since having it removed and the horror stories are only a tiny percentage of the overall amount of people who have this surgery.

Why are you telling us all this Claire, I hear you shout? Well, it's more for me than you, truth be told, I wanted a log of what happened. To be honest I still can't believe it actually happened. Most people are on a waiting list for ages for gallbladder removal but mine was sorted within a month. When the NHS works it is brilliant. I know it doesn't work this well for everyone all the time but I am very grateful that worked out for me (and didn't cost me anything, which I know is not the case for some in other countries. Another reason the NHS should be preserved, funded properly and encourage great people to work within it).

As I look forward to 2026 I firstly need to sort out my fatigue and lack of motivation (both partly perimenopause related I think). I'm sure the fatigue is linked, in part, to my gallbladder removal as there is nothing else wrong with me right now and I did have major surgery (routine, yes, but nonetheless major) only 4 months ago and I went straight back to work without a real break. I have had a fairly lazy Christmas and I have nothing I have to do until Monday so three more days of rest are on the menu. I think my motivation is returning a little as I did clean my bathroom and my bedroom properly yesterday, something I have been meaning to do for ages but could never muster the energy. 

Finally, my mind is full of ideas for things I want to do (work-related) in 2026. These are my top 5:

1) Sort fabulous repertoire for my choir

2) Sort out my Golden Age of Musicals cabaret to take round local care homes and clubs for the elderly

3) Write/prepare more singing workshops

4) Do more research into singing to become a better teacher

5) See more theatre!

I will try to remember to come back and give you updates but I can't promise! Have a wonderful 2026 everyone, I certainly hope I will too.

My new obsessions.....Disappointing Affirmations and weight loss!

I recently discovered an Instagram account called Disappointing Affirmations. I heartily recommend it!

I LOVE them. Words to live by, although you probably shouldn't. Having said that, sometimes you should. The one above is actually quite positive in it's way. There really never is a perfect time so just get on with it! Anyway, sometimes they are not to be taken at all seriously but they also got me thinking. I feel like I have been putting obstacles, similar to the sentiments portrayed in these disappointing affirmations, in my own way for the majority of my adult life.

I have been writing this blog, on and off, for years now but not many people read it. Partly because why would anyone read what I have to say unless you are a friend indulging me but partly because I never put it anywhere anyone who doesn't know me might read it. Putting myself out there is not a skill I possess.

The biggest obstacle I have put in my own way has absolutely been my weight. I'm sure I've spoken about my weight at other points in this blog but this is a little different. I think, with hindsight, I have purposefully kept myself on the heavier side since my early teens in order to avoid moving out of my comfort zone, or having to speak to or interact with new people. 

This is a pretty weird thing for an ex-performer (I say "ex", I may go back to it) and now choir leader to say. These two careers involve putting myself "out there" constantly but I am convinced I could go further with both if I had more self-belief and stopped putting self-imposed barriers in my way.

I am pretty sure I did this for one reason and one reason alone. To make myself unattractive (in my eyes) so no one would want to employ/date/befriend me. This attempt at sabotaging my life did not work with the befriending thing. I have somehow found myself with a wonderfully, copious amount of fabulous friends so I failed there, but I did pretty well with the other aspects. 

We're not going to talk about my dating life. There are things to mention but that's not what this is about and I would like to keep some things to myself and not share everything with the world. As far as employment goes I have never been out of work. I think I claimed the "dole" once for one week at some point in the 90s and then got a job so that was that. I have not been out of work since. However, I have kept myself at a certain level and never gone above and part of this is to do with my weight, or rather, the perception of what I feel my weight means. 

To most people my weight means nothing at all but I tell myself it means everything to everyone I come into contact with. I assume the first thing people notice is my size and after that I believe they won't be interested in me. Weirdly, I feel my weight makes me invisible. I wear my weight like it is armour.

I was listening to a podcast called "How to fail" earlier this week. The guest was Rylan Clark and he said something that really resonated with me. He said has a habit of saying self-deprecating things about his appearance because he feels if he says it first then nobody can hurt him by saying anything to him about the way he looks (I'm paraphrasing, he said it better). He also said that he has made peace with himself about how he looks. He knows he will never be happy with his appearance and so just accepts that and is now much happier. I, kind of, feel the same but I have turned a corner regarding my weight.

When I was 39 and a half I decided to join a gym as I had become aware I was getting older and, as a single person with nobody to look after me when really decrepit, I wanted to get fitter. I kept going to the gym for the next 6 years and my weight plateaued. For about 3 years I never got heavier and never lost more weight. I was happy with that, at the time, because it was still fat enough that I was still "invisible". It kept the boys at bay and also meant I wasn't asked to do anything new or out of my comfort zone. Then lockdown happened and I happily gained 3 and a half stone. I say happily, I was only happy about it until I saw myself on a video with my choir in the summer of 2021 and thought that, even for me, that was unacceptable so I decided to try and get back to my pre-pandemic happy place.

Well, in 2023 I got there and then went beyond. I recently weighed myself again and found I was half a stone lighter than when I had been going to the gym! But what does this weight-loss mean? Well nothing really. My weight has absolutely nothing to do with my success or failure. That's all in my head. I have to sort out my mindset in order to make actual changes to my life. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty good. I'm not depressed, I don't hate my job, I have fabulous friends. I am tired ALL the time (not in an ill way) but I feel like I need a new challenge. What kind of challenge I don't know BUT I feel like my weight is no longer going to be the thing that stops me pursuing that potential new adventure. Watch this space!

Accountability not acceptance

Ooh it's been a while hasn't it. This post is going to rake over old ground, I don't apologise for that, but you might want to give it a miss if you're fed up of reading what could be construed as negativity. There is a lot going on at the moment, some of which I can't talk about here as it's not my place (sorry to be mysterious), and I am still having a problem with motivation (no change there). I started a journaling challenge and it's already thrown up a few things that need to be addressed quite urgently. 

I have done a lot of journaling in the past but haven't recently. I don't know if it really does anything helpful so could be a big old waste of my time. Having said that it can't be more of a waste of my time than all the Netflix binging I've been doing recently (Below Deck was a particular low point). I've talked quite a bit in the past about my laziness and inability to motivate myself to exercise. I have kept up my New Year's resolution to move for, at least, 10 minutes a day so that's good but I have realised that I have regained all the weight I lost when I joined a gym 8 years ago. I am back to square one and really don't think I can do it again.

I did do my 10,000 steps yesterday but I need to do that everyday and, to be honest, walking is not nearly enough. It's great but it does not cut it. I don't know why I'm avoiding. I sometimes wonder if I am comfortable in, what I see as, my chubby shell. Nobody pays me much attention in life and maybe that actually feels easier. I travel through life slightly under the radar. I rarely put my hand up to answer questions or join conversations. I sit on the sidelines. 

I digress. Well I say that, I am not certain where I want to go with this post, I just know I want to write something. Perhaps it's an extension of the journaling thing. There are many ways to go about journaling but the way I tend to do it is to treat it more like a mind dump. I just write and don't stop for a couple of pages. I write everything down that comes to mind no matter how ridiculous or banal. It is not for someone else to read so it doesn't matter what you write. The idea is to dump all the crap that is in your head so that you have room to think about the things that matter or allow space for working on projects you have on the go.

The thing that is worrying me right now is that I just sit on my sofa thinking but not doing. This might be a weird thing to say but I am really not very intelligent and don't understand things like tax, GDPR, websites, technology. I love being self employed and love making my own work but there are SO many other aspects to running a business that I just don't understand and end up like an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. This is why I can't seem to grow my singing teacher business or my choirs.

I don't want to accept this as my life though. I want more, I want to be excited by the things I do in my life. Many of us are in the same boat and have lost our mojo because of this damn pandemic. In March 2020 I was just getting my head around things and the choirs, in particular, were getting bigger and I was getting more confident running them but Covid has decimated the choirs and, even now, as things are starting to open up again, my singers aren't coming back and I am not sure I can ever get it back to where it was. 

I am taking part in a "Quantum Manifesting Challenge" this week and I am watching a webinar as I write this (I REALLY have to stop multitasking. This is the root of my problems I reckon). The woman running it has just asked, regarding your business, do you feel like you are swimming in soup, swimming in water or flying through the air? I am DEFINITELY swimming in very thick soup right now.

I know only I can change things. I have to stop thinking I can't do things or understand everything. I have always had trouble with waiting or standing still. I can NOT bear traffic jams. They freak me out. If I am reading a book I have to read it fast or I give up and I find it very hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. I have documents and books to read explaining all the things I don't think I can understand but I am constantly overwhelmed and can't bring myself to even start reading them. I have a pile of books on singing to read but I am too overwhelmed to start reading them. I am forever saying I haven't got time to do things and, instead of getting on with what I can get done, I go and sit on my sofa and stare into space for hours at a time.

I know it doesn't have to be like this. I am accountable and I do not have to accept that this is all life is. I really didn't know what I wanted this post to be when I started, but I feel like writing this might help me feel some accountability and might push me to do SOMETHING. Not everything but something. I think I will start with a walk.

PS In the name of accountability I am sharing the photo below. This was taken on Sunday. I am 3 sizes bigger and 3 stones heavier than I was 2 years ago. I would love to post a photo in 6 months time that shows I have improved my fitness (I'll probably forget because of brain fog - that's the other problem right now). We'll see!

You can't teach an old dog new tricks....or can you?

So, a LOT has happened since I last wrote. Pretty much all of it beyond my control. It may surprise you to know I am unable to cure Covid-19, I wish I could, but was never my bag at school so curing a global pandemic would not be listed as one of my skills on my CV. I am, however, considering myself to be a professional tea drinker now. Has anyone else found themselves drowning in tea?

I must say the Lockdown that was imposed upon us in the UK has not been all bad for me. It began with me being ill for the first 2 weeks so that wasn't great. I quite possibly had Covid-19 but I didn't get a test so I don't know for sure. However, I didn't leave my flat for 14 days just in case. That was the worst bit I'd say. 

Once I had recovered, I then had to set about fathoming the online meeting platform that is Zoom in order to run singing lessons and my choir online as well as doing a few bits and pieces for myself. In an effort to keep the kids I teach interested in singing whilst on Zoom, I taught myself how to produce virtual choir videos. I am in no way a master of this but it is a new skill and one I would not have acquired were it not for Lockdown. My video editing skills have gone from very basic to just above basic. I feel like I actually have a hobby now! I don't have a garden, I don't have a great kitchen and though I had intended to read every book on singing going, I didn't. I have attended countless webinars and talks on singing but I am finding concentrating on actual reading to be very difficult right now so the video editing thing became a bit of an obsession. Other ways I have kept busy is by watching old Eurovision Song Contests with friends over Zoom and many, many online quizzes. I thoroughly recommend Steve M's Sunday Lockdown Quiz on Facebook (it will be online for a while yet so have a go).

My choir, Songsations, also moved online and I produced 4 virtual choir videos for them too. I have loved working with the choir online and many members of the choir have also enjoyed it. I think it was a bit of a lifeline for some of them. It definitely was for me. The online thing is something I'm going to continue in some capacity for both the choirs and one to one singing lessons. Online meeting platforms are essentially now the norm and will remain part of our lives long after we emerge from this, of that I am sure.

Although I saw my income drop by almost exactly 50% I am definitely one of the lucky ones. I have managed to keep my business going and been able to pay my rent. I know many people who have struggled. We have all been forced to think outside the box and find new ways to make a living. 

So, at the time of writing, August 2020, we are starting to return to our places of work and this adds a new level of pressure. Guidelines for singing, and whether it is safe to do so in the presence of other people, have been released and the consensus seems to be that one to one singing lessons can start again if you can deliver these lessons in a large well ventilated space. My second floor flat no longer cuts it, I fear, and I need to find somewhere else to teach. My downstairs neighbour will be thrilled about that. The hall where I run my choir is, fingers crossed, going to be the place for this from now on. We have to wear face coverings in this hall at the moment but I feel it's worth a go if it means I can be in the same room as my students.

That said, I am anxious about starting up again. Not because I'm scared but because nobody really knows what is going to happen once everything does open up again. Will we have a second wave, will I have to self-isolate because I was in a Caffé Nero for more than 15 minutes when another punter with Covid was there? Who knows! And that is the worry. This anxiousness is what is stopping me from starting my choir meeting in person right now. Although the "rules" seem to suggest we can start rehearsing together again it just doesn't feel right yet. The research carried out in the Perform study (ParticulatE Respiratory Matter to InForm Guidance for the Safe Distancing of PerfOrmeRs in a COVID-19 PandeMic - catchy) has concluded that singing is no more dangerous than speaking, however, it all comes down to volume. The louder we sing/speak the more aerosols and droplets are emitted. With that in mind I have taken the decision to keep the choir online for the foreseeable. The problem with this is about half of the members of my 2 choirs haven't tried a Zoom session and don't really want to start now, which is a shame, but an understandable one. It's not the same and, to be fair, some people just aren't able to join us online so this is in no way a criticism, just an observation. I may write another post about this, although, as I intimated at the beginning of this post, I am not a scientist.

So that's a quick overview of my choir and teaching shenanigans but what of my own singing? Well I was inspired for the first 3 months of Lockdown and then something happened that left me unable to sing at the flat anymore so I've taken a few steps backwards recently. I did manage to book a room in which to do some singing and record some new songs for the choir a couple of weeks ago. I had the whole place to myself and those 3 hours spent singing properly and fully were the best 3 hours I'd had since March. I even managed to record a video, to be included in my choirs "End Of Term" online concert, of me singing an actual song. I have the room booked to do more next week and I can not wait. 

So there we have it, in a nutshell. There is so much more to discuss but as I haven't posted since February you may well have collapsed due to the shock of me producing something for you to read. I'm quite disappointed in myself that I have had since March 23rd to write something for you and it has taken me until August 30th to actually post something. So as a little extra gift, from me to you, I thought I would share my little video with you here. Excuse my unbrushed hair and the fact I couldn't remember the words so had them up on my phone. To be fair it's a miracle I'm sharing anything right now!

PS The title of this post may seem a little familiar. It did to me. So I trawled my previous posts and found I had used a similar title before. I'm not going to change this posts title as I can't think of another but if you fancy reading the other post you'll find it here. Enjoy.

If you’re having trouble opening the video click here

Incompetent by name, incompetent by nature!

It’s been a while hasn’t it! So what has brought me out of the woodwork? Well I have more to say than would be acceptable in a normal Facebook post so I thought I would write a diary entry instead. 

Last time I threatened to talk about Brexit but I’m not going to do that. I could write about my choir but I don’t think I’ll do that either (well, perhaps in a roundabout way).  What I REALLY want to talk about is The Masked Singer but I have been SO appallingly bad at guessing who they are thus far that I won’t embarrass myself by telling you who I believe them all to be. All I will say is this, if Octopus is not Our Kath (Katherine Jenkins) I will eat ALL my hats.

Anyway enough of that. Presently, I feel like I’m in limbo. Once again, I’m not sure what I am meant to be doing. I’m just trundling along.

Just when I think things are going well something comes along and pulls the rug out from under me. Up until two weeks ago I was pretty content and then something happened that made me doubt myself and everything around me. Now I can’t get anything done and I have the worst brain fog known to man. I had to get out of the house this morning so am writing this in Costa (standard). I do wonder if I am about to reach that milestone most women reach at some point. No not the moment they try a green olive and think “hmm that’s rather delicious” no the M word (menopause). It would explain the constant forgetfulness, aforementioned brain fog, the crying at anything and everything (I heard a choir of children singing on the radio and that made me go) and the sudden weight gain (absolutely nothing to do with Christmas and zero exercise). Don’t worry boys that’s the last time I’ll mention that word. I really should read a book about it as it’s going to happen but unfortunately, and this could be another symptom, I just can’t be arsed.

Anyway, I’m not going to go into detail about what happened that dark, chilly January evening as someone who was there might read this and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m having a go (to be fair it was probably my fault that it went the way it did anyway). Last time I wrote about, essentially, not being satisfied with my lot. I work, a lot. Probably too much, but I am on my own, I have to pay the bills (London prices) and don’t want to resort to eating baked beans. I hate baked beans. 

The one thing I have done for myself is give myself a day off. This has helped but not enough. I enjoy what I do but the balance isn’t right and I want to create some time (can one create time?) that can be given over to working on my own creativity and not helping others be creative.

It’s now a few days later and I have moved to Caffè Nero. The main obstacle standing in my way right now is a lack of self belief. I have feelings of mediocrity in everything I do which leads me into a state of malaise and a total lack of enthusiasm in some aspects of my life. I think I know what I want but fear has a habit of stopping me in my tracks. I also have an awful tendency to let things carry on as they are which means nothing ever changes.

I read one of those inspirational quotes yesterday. It said “You are where you are meant to be!” Poppycock. Yes I am sure I’m supposed to be here on earth and alive but when you get down to the nitty gritty am I actually where I’m meant to be? Is anyone meant to be in Croydon? I often wonder, and I am really not sure I’m doing exactly what I am meant to be doing. I want to teach (a bit), I DEFINITELY want to run my choirs but I also fancy doing a bit of singing and at the moment I have no get up and go or drive to sort myself out. 

So, in these unstable, uncertain times I am thinking of ditching some regular paid work in order to do my own thing. This would free up time for creativity but shouldn’t leave me short financially, if I’m canny about it. Call me crazy but I think it is necessary for my sanity. I will keep you posted (although it could be another year before I write again - if you’re lucky!). 

Live your best life they say.....What is that exactly?

So, I have heard this phrase a lot over the past few months and, although I know what the words mean, I don’t really know what they mean for me. I just know that this can not be my best life. Please don’t roll your eyes and think this is going to be, yet another, woe is me post. It’s not!

I teach, A LOT and we have, finally, reached the end of the school year. Apart from the fear that I am going to be skint for the next couple of months, this pleases me immeasurably. I have spread myself very thin. I am physically and emotionally spent. I know this because I have just watched Mamma Mia (the original film not the new one) and cried 3 times (and not because of Pierce Brosnan’s singing, I really don’t mind his singing actually). I know something has to change but I don’t know what and I don’t know how to change it. I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off. It just keeps going round and round, making my head spin to the point that I can’t think straight (ooh sorry about that over-the-top nonsense).

So you can only imagine how thrilled I am that the rollercoaster has come to a standstill for the next week. Well I say a standstill, I still have to prepare for the one summer school I have managed to bag, but at least I can do that from the comfort of my sofa. I then have my very first concert with my choir, The Songsations, on August 11th.

Might as well get a cheeky plug in. The choir is, kind of, keeping me sane at the moment. I’m not sure whether I will feel the same at 7pm on the 11th August but Tuesday evening (when we rehearse) is, by far, my favourite evening in any week at the moment. With that in mind I thought I should start another branch of The Songsations on another evening but the only evening I could run it at a decent time would be Fridays but do people want to join a choir on a Friday night? I tried doing a poll but it was fairly inconclusive. The  thing is, I absolutely know what I don’t want to do anymore but getting out of it is impossible right now as it would leave me without the money to pay my rent. Not ideal, especially for my landlord. So I find myself in a vicious circle.

Having talked to many other teachers who still have one foot dangling in the performing side of things I realise that I am not the only one who feels like they have got themselves stuck in a rut they can’t seem to wriggle out of. My particular problem is that I hate letting anyone down. I have worked for one particular dance school for 4 years exactly now. I teach on Wednesday evenings and all day Saturdays for them (I teach singing NOT dance!!!) and in the 4 years I have been there I have not had a single day off! I finished 45mins early one Saturday during my first year there to go and do a gig but that did not affect anything, no cover was needed, we just combined a couple of classes. I am proud of the fact I haven’t had a day off but, at the same time, wonder what opportunities I have let pass me by because of my need to please other people.

I have decided that I am going to do some hard thinking over the summer and come up with a plan! If the choir has taught me anything it is that, although I enjoy teaching kids, I prefer working with adults so more choirs are definitely on the horizon (perhaps I’ll put the Sunday choir plans back into the melting pot). I need a 2 year plan. It was going to be a 5 year plan but, at my age, I have to get a move on. 

So, I am hoping the summer is going to bring the breathing space and thinking time I need to work out what it is I need and want to do going forward. I do know sitting on my sofa watching Mamma Mia is not going to solve this conundrum and I need to get out and start chasing what I actually want and as Wimbledon has now finished I have no excuse not to get on with it!

Still under the Spotlight.....for now, at least.

So, a quick update on my Spotlight status in case anyone is in the slightest bit interested. I am sticking with it but paying for it monthly so don’t feel like I’m tied down and can get out whenever I want. Story of my life really, when I go to shows I have to have an aisle seat so I can get out easily and without bothering anyone.

Speaking of shows, I just had a fairly inspiring weekend. I saw Chess and Hamilton. I’m not going to review them as that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything (both shows were spectacular, however, Chess won the weekend for me which, I am sure, puts me in a freakish minority). The two shows really made me think about my recent life choices.

Life, although stressful at the moment, is pretty easy. I write lesson plans, I rehearse the songs I need to teach my choir, I help other people improve their singing all the while neglecting my own. I have definitely got myself stuck in an, albeit, fairly happy rut and I am having a really hard time forcing myself out of it. I am forever saying  “when that students exam is over”, “after my students do that show” I’ll change things. There will always be something, unless I break the cycle. Not totally sure it is time to break that cycle but I will keep you posted.

It's a funny old world....not funny ha ha!

So, life is odd at the moment. I go from fabulous highs to earth shattering lows in the space of twelve hours constantly right now. I wake up and am not sure if the day is going to be a good one or a bad one. Some days I feel I have a purpose and others I wonder what the point of everything is.

The most worrying thing for me, currently, is that I don't want to sing. This may be because I don't have to sing as I am not auditioning or performing at the moment. Maybe, after more than 30 years of wanting to be a singer I have reached a point where I don't want to do it anymore. It's possible but my gut kind of tells me that's not the case. The only time I really sing is with my choir and, I have to say, Tuesday, 7.30-9pm is my favourite time of the week. 

I started a choir, The Songsations, back in September last year. It took a while to find its feet but now, in our third term, I know what I'm doing and numbers have grown to a healthy 14 members (although we are always on the lookout for new members! Have a look at our website here). As part of the service, I provide guide tracks for all of the parts within each piece we sing. It can take me a whole afternoon to do one song in its entirety but the time flies by because I LOVE*, I will say that again as I don't love much right now, I LOVE working on these tracks. When I put all the guide tracks together, one on top of the other, it does end up sounding like some weird family group, a la Bewitched (denim clad Irish family girl group from the 90s for anyone too young to remember), but I don't care and my choir members find them useful (I hope).

This kind of proves to me that I do still enjoy singing. I had a new student start having lessons with me a while back. This woman had not sung, at all, since she was a child but had decided she wanted to give it a go now. She said something very interesting at her last lesson that really made me think. She said "I like the vibrations when I sing". When she had gone I thought more about this and the fact that I have grown accustomed, almost oblivious, to the sensations and their effects on my whole self when singing and I wonder, if I get back in touch with those feelings, could I rekindle my love for singing. I think I want to but everything, not just singing, is a real chore right now (except Zumba, that's never a chore). I find it difficult to make simple decisions and the difficult ones are nigh on impossible. I can't find the motivation to dye my hair let alone anything important. I have moments where I am energised and I have recognise them and cram in as many things that need doing in those little pockets of time. To be honest I'm surprised I've managed to write as much in this post as I have.

So what to do? We are surrounded by bad news and evil things happening in the world and I find I am affected by things that have nothing really to do with me. I am trying, however, to not let these things bring me all the way down. I won't ignore them but I can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I haven't done Body Pump for months so they are quite weak as it is. I don't really have an answer right now but I am hoping that, by putting this out there, a little of the black fog clouding my very small brain will lift and I can, at least, do the hoovering!


*I feel I should add I do love teaching! Just in case a student reads this. My teaching actually keeps me sane!