It’s been a while hasn’t it? As we approach the New Year it, as always, I am thinking about making New Years resolutions. I don’t often keep them and by the end of January I am beating myself up for not having more willpower. So perhaps this time I should just not make any and resolve to work on my battle with procrastination instead.
If you are an avid reader of this diary you will know that it has been suggested to me that I may be suffering from ADHD and this is why I have no motivation, can not concentrate on one task at a time and avoid doing the important things. However, I refuse to jump on the bandwagon. The world and his wife has some sort of attention deficit disorder (with or without the hyperactivity) but I think that’s life right now. I am in no way trying to say that if you have ADHD you should not seek help for it, you absolutely should, I just know I need to deal with whatever is going on myself.
To be perfectly honest, I think most of my problems stem from perimenopause rather than ADHD but I’m not going to discuss that right now. I will save that for another post. So what do I do about my lack of motivation? There are some aspects of my life that do not suffer because of a lack of motivation. I am always motivated when it comes to one part of my work life and that is my choir, Songsations. I say MY choir, yes I set it up and I run it as a one-man-band but I feel it belongs as much to the ladies who join it now as it does to me. We have just broken up for Christmas and did a number of really successful concerts over the past few weeks. I take a small amount of credit for how good they are but the majority of the credit has to go to the members and their commitment (although I must say it’s been a tough term with illness and the crazy cold spell we just went through).
I think the reason I am motivated to do the work for the choir is that they are also motivated and we keep each other going. Other aspects of my work life are not quite as straightforward. My private teaching relies heavily on the motivation of the student I’m teaching. Of course, I recognise that my job is to help people improve their singing, grow their confidence and enjoy the time they are paying for and I think I’m pretty good at delivering this but it can be very hard when people come for a lesson with no idea what they want to sing or work on in a lesson. I do find teaching quite draining these days and am thinking that I perhaps need to cut down on the amount I’m doing but we’ll see how 2023 pans out first.
The other aspect of my working life that needs looking at is my own singing. I haven’t really done much with my own singing recently, apart from the 16 Bar Challenge I did with The Sing Space a couple of months ago. I had to record 12 videos over 12 weeks and upload them to a private Facebook group, each week having a different genre to explore. I really enjoyed this until I realised there was going to be a “winner” picked for each category and I did not “win” any of them. This threw me into a proper downward spiral and started I started doubting my ability and decided I would never sing in public or on a video ever again. I am over this now and am about to embark upon another 16 Bar Challenge in the new year so, unfortunately for you, there will be more of my singing coming your way in the new year and, to be honest, I don’t really care what anyone thinks. At nearly 50 I am determined to only do things that make me happy and it won’t matter to me what anybody thinks of me or if I “win” any competitions.
I have come to realise that I do not have a fear of failure but, rather, a fear of success. I feel like I hold myself back because I like routine and I don’t like doing anything that takes me out of my comfort zone. I think this is why I never really lose weight. I put on about 3 stone over the last couple of years but have got back down to the weight I was before lockdown was a regularly used word in our vocabularies but I know I won’t lose any more unless I change my mindset. I tend to keep myself at a particular weight and never really deviate from that. I think this is because, if I lose weight, more opportunities will open up to me because I will feel happier in my own skin and not so fat and unattractive. I don’t really like travelling far from my flat and avoid doing anything out of the ordinary that I have no control over. I think this is why I feel I am stagnating, because I have visions and ideas to do new things but that annoying little voice in my head tells me to get over myself and stop thinking I deserve anything more than I have. THIS is the thing that needs work in 2023!
So that’s where I am, going into 2023. I hope you have all had a good 2022 or if you haven’t you are looking forward to the implied clean slate we all get going into the new year. I am determined to bother you with more posts in 2023 than I produced in 2022 but I promise to write some lighter, happier drivel in the coming weeks as I think we all need cheering up, especially me!
Feel free to comment or start a discussion below or on my Incompetent Soprano Facebook page. In the meantime, Merry Christmas and have this:
