To Christmas tree or not to Christmas tree?

So, following my last post, my anxiety levels have reached an all-time high. Not because of the stupid woman at the Post Office in my last offering but because there is something wrong with my car. I don't really know why this has affected me in the way it has but I know I can't do my normal ostrich thing and bury my head in the sand this time. 

I took the car to my local garage and they put my mind at rest that it was nothing that imminently needed seeing to but, as the car is still under warranty, I need to take it to a Dacia garage to get it fixed. Problem is I have NO time and the nearest place is a little further away than I'd like. Point is there is NOTHING I can do about it (apart from book it in at the garage) so there is NOTHING to be anxious about. So why can't I get a handle on it? To be fair to my brain, I think I am possibly more anxious because I am on my own and don't have anyone to really help me with these silly everyday things. I am perfectly capable of coping on my own (I've managed for 46 years) but these are strange times and life alone is something altogether different from how it was 9 months ago! This is not meant to diminish any anxiety any coupled up people are feeling by the way.

So why am I writing this? Well it has nothing to do with singing (my posts rarely do these days to be honest) but it does fuel my feelings of incompetence. As a result of my high anxiety I have watched many, many terrible things on Netflix (other streaming services are available) including five Christmas films in two days and it's not even December yet. Full disclosure, I have one on right now as I type. I love the formulaic nature of a typical Christmas film but it has also inspired me to start working on a new project. An actual, potential hobby if you will. 

I may have said in the past, I may not but I'm not going to re-read all my posts to check, that I have always wanted an actual hobby. I'm not sure I have had a real hobby since I used to play with my Sindy's or my Fashion Plates set (if anyone finds one of these please get it for me!).

However, I have always wanted to write a book but I have never felt I have the patience. A blog suits me as it takes me a couple of hours at most to write a post and then I'm done. Instant gratification. For me, not you! I have no aspirations to write a book for public consumption but I would love to have a pop at it. Anyway all these Christmas films have given me the best idea so I'm going to give it a go and try and write something longer than a blog post. The idea also means I have the best excuse to watch every Christmas film I can find. All in the name of research of course. I'm not going to divulge the idea I have had for this "book" and it is, in all probability, going to take me years to do. I have the beginnings of a treatment for a film in a drawer that I started about 10 years ago so I'm not optimistic that this book will ever get written before I shuffle off this mortal coil but if it gives me something else to think about other than singing and teaching I will be happy.   

In other news I am very tempted to put up my Christmas tree today. I haven't had a Christmas tree for the past 3 or so years. Last year I did this:

This is what passed for a Christmas tree in 2019. Not sure I can be bothered though, and it is not yet December but perhaps it would cheer me up. I'll decide when this Christmas film I'm watching has finished. Oh, and if you want a Christmas film recommendation, "Christmas Inheritance" on Netflix is fantastically trashy.

UPDATE

Since I posted this I rang the garage and it turns out the warning light (that I didn't tell you about) was only on because it's service was due. The handbook didn't say anything about this. Anyway it's booked in for it's service and my anxiety levels have reduced. Phew. Also, avoid Christmas Land on Netflix at all costs, it's really bad!

Dizzy! My head is spinning.....

Is anyone else binging on webinars right now? It seems the world and his wife are trying to sell online courses right now and they way they hook you is by offering you a free "workshop" to be a part of, but really they just want you to buy their course. I have watched A LOT of these free workshops recently and actually signed up to one course. I squeezed every last bit out of the original lockdown* in the hope that I would have plenty to show for the last 6 months. 

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Unfortunately I have a very short attention span and end up multitasking whilst I do anything these days. I can’t seem to concentrate on one task alone. I start doing one thing and then try to do something else at the same time. Then I find my brain is overloaded and I need to go and binge watch something on Netflix (it’s Cobra Kai at the moment. It’s very, very bad but makes me feel very nostalgic for the 1980s). I am about to get on my exercise bike to do some much needed exercise (lockdown has not been kind to my waistline) but whilst I am peddling I am going to watch a 23 minute video on using iMovie and a 20 minute video about creating Canva vision boards (homework from a social media webinar - part 3 is on Friday).

I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this at the moment but I am constantly tired and constantly annoyed with myself for not doing anything. I have very little get up and go right now. I get up and go out when I have to but the rest of the time I tend to stay in doing very little telling myself I'll do more tomorrow. I don't and then get annoyed with myself for not doing anything and then get annoyed for getting annoyed at myself. I have a constant headache that I can not blame on coffee anymore as I gave it up at the beginning of lockdown and have, on average, one Costa coffee a week now. I know something has to change but I don't know what.

I need to move, I know that. I have a neighbour who does not enjoy my singing, the word "piercing" was used to describe it by her, therefore, I can't practice at home anymore. Moving in the Greater London area is easier said than done. I need a house with, at least, one room unattached to any neighbouring house so I can sing at home whenever I want. I have a room I can hire at my local church hall but, as the country opens up, and the line dancing and art classes start again, the hall is getting more bookings and it will only be a matter of time until they can not accommodate me anymore. 

I have always been prone to a touch of anxiety but I'm at a new level right now. Unfortunately/fortunately my anxiety manifests itself by me burying my head in the sand, much like an ostrich but without the fantastic legs. I have ideas galore swimming in my head but I do not have the wherewithal to put any new plans into action. I think this is, in part, due to my fear of failure. If I don't try I won't fail but nothing will ever change and I will remain in this perpetual state of stagnation. 

So, what do I do about this? The most important thing to come from this post is that SOMETHING has to change. I am not enjoying everything I do at the moment (although I know I am in a fantastic position right now. I earn enough to pay my rent and buy the odd bottle of Malbec so I KNOW I am very lucky right now). The problem is I am restless. I know what I don't want to do, or rather, what I want to give up but I just don't feel like changing things is the way to go right now. 

Am I wrong, though? Is now precisely the time to change things up? I feel like I am existing rather than living most of the time right now but perhaps this is the best anyone should hope for at the moment. Maybe I should sit tight, stop fretting and keep watching the webinars. They are certainly an excellent way to waste time and, you never know, I might find something I really want to do with the rest of my life that way.

*at the time of writing we have only had one full on lockdown in Croydon. If we have another I am not going to waste a second of it (I know that's a lie. I'll be binge watching something by the second day).