Positive self affirmations? Shmositive shelf shaffirmations....you get the idea.

Last week we talked about owning your voice (I'm actually doing a little workshop on Wednesday 31st August, 12pm in The Enlightened Singer on Facebook on this subject if you fancy joining us. Click here to go join the group) but I have been thinking a bit about self esteem in general this week.

So, I have always, well in the past, had pretty low self esteem. I used to think I was a pretty horrible person, not sure why, but I did. However, not sure what happened recently but I now think I'm OK. I'm not a horrible person. I'm friendly, I'm supportive, I'm.... can't think of anything else without this turning into some sort of positive affirmation post.

It's not one of those posts, don't worry. If you follow my Facebook page you will have seen I have been posting more than usual. Live videos and some videos of me singing for a challenge I'm doing with The Sing Space at the moment. For some reason I've been feeling a little more content recently. Perhaps it's because I'm on my summer break (although that is over in 6 days 😢) and I've had more time to do whatever I want. Anyway, this feeling of contentment has lead me to a boost in self confidence and I decided to share my challenge videos with you lovely lot on the Incompetent Soprano Facebook and Instagram pages. 

Of course I can't help thinking people will think I'm being self indulgent and blowing my own trumpet but, the simple fact is, my pages are my pages and if someone doesn't like it, or me, they can choose not to follow me anymore. We really shouldn't chase likes and follows on social media. It all means nothing really. It's not real, nobody really shows their true selves on social media. We all try to make out we have wonderful, perfect lives when the reality is, often, far from wonderful and perfect. 

As I said though, I'm feeling pretty content and am also feeling like I don't mind so much what anybody thinks about me. I'm sure this feeling will change and evolve and I will have days where the whole world is against me but I think it's important to note things like this when we're feeling content and confident. I'm going to post what I want, when I want on my social media and I don't care if everyone tuts and rolls their eyes, it's my social media profile to do with what I want!

Dizzy! My head is spinning.....

Is anyone else binging on webinars right now? It seems the world and his wife are trying to sell online courses right now and they way they hook you is by offering you a free "workshop" to be a part of, but really they just want you to buy their course. I have watched A LOT of these free workshops recently and actually signed up to one course. I squeezed every last bit out of the original lockdown* in the hope that I would have plenty to show for the last 6 months. 

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Unfortunately I have a very short attention span and end up multitasking whilst I do anything these days. I can’t seem to concentrate on one task alone. I start doing one thing and then try to do something else at the same time. Then I find my brain is overloaded and I need to go and binge watch something on Netflix (it’s Cobra Kai at the moment. It’s very, very bad but makes me feel very nostalgic for the 1980s). I am about to get on my exercise bike to do some much needed exercise (lockdown has not been kind to my waistline) but whilst I am peddling I am going to watch a 23 minute video on using iMovie and a 20 minute video about creating Canva vision boards (homework from a social media webinar - part 3 is on Friday).

I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this at the moment but I am constantly tired and constantly annoyed with myself for not doing anything. I have very little get up and go right now. I get up and go out when I have to but the rest of the time I tend to stay in doing very little telling myself I'll do more tomorrow. I don't and then get annoyed with myself for not doing anything and then get annoyed for getting annoyed at myself. I have a constant headache that I can not blame on coffee anymore as I gave it up at the beginning of lockdown and have, on average, one Costa coffee a week now. I know something has to change but I don't know what.

I need to move, I know that. I have a neighbour who does not enjoy my singing, the word "piercing" was used to describe it by her, therefore, I can't practice at home anymore. Moving in the Greater London area is easier said than done. I need a house with, at least, one room unattached to any neighbouring house so I can sing at home whenever I want. I have a room I can hire at my local church hall but, as the country opens up, and the line dancing and art classes start again, the hall is getting more bookings and it will only be a matter of time until they can not accommodate me anymore. 

I have always been prone to a touch of anxiety but I'm at a new level right now. Unfortunately/fortunately my anxiety manifests itself by me burying my head in the sand, much like an ostrich but without the fantastic legs. I have ideas galore swimming in my head but I do not have the wherewithal to put any new plans into action. I think this is, in part, due to my fear of failure. If I don't try I won't fail but nothing will ever change and I will remain in this perpetual state of stagnation. 

So, what do I do about this? The most important thing to come from this post is that SOMETHING has to change. I am not enjoying everything I do at the moment (although I know I am in a fantastic position right now. I earn enough to pay my rent and buy the odd bottle of Malbec so I KNOW I am very lucky right now). The problem is I am restless. I know what I don't want to do, or rather, what I want to give up but I just don't feel like changing things is the way to go right now. 

Am I wrong, though? Is now precisely the time to change things up? I feel like I am existing rather than living most of the time right now but perhaps this is the best anyone should hope for at the moment. Maybe I should sit tight, stop fretting and keep watching the webinars. They are certainly an excellent way to waste time and, you never know, I might find something I really want to do with the rest of my life that way.

*at the time of writing we have only had one full on lockdown in Croydon. If we have another I am not going to waste a second of it (I know that's a lie. I'll be binge watching something by the second day).