Monday 19 October 2020

Dizzy! My head is spinning.....

Is anyone else binging on webinars right now? It seems the world and his wife are trying to sell online courses right now and they way they hook you is by offering you a free "workshop" to be a part of, but really they just want you to buy their course. I have watched A LOT of these free workshops recently and actually signed up to one course. I squeezed every last bit out of the original lockdown* in the hope that I would have plenty to show for the last 6 months. 

<a href="">Multitasking Vectors by Vecteezy</a>

Unfortunately I have a very short attention span and end up multitasking whilst I do anything these days. I can’t seem to concentrate on one task alone. I start doing one thing and then try to do something else at the same time. Then I find my brain is overloaded and I need to go and binge watch something on Netflix (it’s Cobra Kai at the moment. It’s very, very bad but makes me feel very nostalgic for the 1980s). I am about to get on my exercise bike to do some much needed exercise (lockdown has not been kind to my waistline) but whilst I am peddling I am going to watch a 23 minute video on using iMovie and a 20 minute video about creating Canva vision boards (homework from a social media webinar - part 3 is on Friday).

I don't know if anyone else is feeling like this at the moment but I am constantly tired and constantly annoyed with myself for not doing anything. I have very little get up and go right now. I get up and go out when I have to but the rest of the time I tend to stay in doing very little telling myself I'll do more tomorrow. I don't and then get annoyed with myself for not doing anything and then get annoyed for getting annoyed at myself. I have a constant headache that I can not blame on coffee anymore as I gave it up at the beginning of lockdown and have, on average, one Costa coffee a week now. I know something has to change but I don't know what.

I need to move, I know that. I have a neighbour who does not enjoy my singing, the word "piercing" was used to describe it by her, therefore, I can't practice at home anymore. Moving in the Greater London area is easier said than done. I need a house with, at least, one room unattached to any neighbouring house so I can sing at home whenever I want. I have a room I can hire at my local church hall but, as the country opens up, and the line dancing and art classes start again, the hall is getting more bookings and it will only be a matter of time until they can not accommodate me anymore. 

I have always been prone to a touch of anxiety but I'm at a new level right now. Unfortunately/fortunately my anxiety manifests itself by me burying my head in the sand, much like an ostrich but without the fantastic legs. I have ideas galore swimming in my head but I do not have the wherewithal to put any new plans into action. I think this is, in part, due to my fear of failure. If I don't try I won't fail but nothing will ever change and I will remain in this perpetual state of stagnation. 

So, what do I do about this? The most important thing to come from this post is that SOMETHING has to change. I am not enjoying everything I do at the moment (although I know I am in a fantastic position right now. I earn enough to pay my rent and buy the odd bottle of Malbec so I KNOW I am very lucky right now). The problem is I am restless. I know what I don't want to do, or rather, what I want to give up but I just don't feel like changing things is the way to go right now. 

Am I wrong, though? Is now precisely the time to change things up? I feel like I am existing rather than living most of the time right now but perhaps this is the best anyone should hope for at the moment. Maybe I should sit tight, stop fretting and keep watching the webinars. They are certainly an excellent way to waste time and, you never know, I might find something I really want to do with the rest of my life that way.

*at the time of writing we have only had one full on lockdown in Croydon. If we have another I am not going to waste a second of it (I know that's a lie. I'll be binge watching something by the second day).

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