Tuesday 17 April 2018

It's a funny old world....not funny ha ha!

So, life is odd at the moment. I go from fabulous highs to earth shattering lows in the space of twelve hours constantly right now. I wake up and am not sure if the day is going to be a good one or a bad one. Some days I feel I have a purpose and others I wonder what the point of everything is.

The most worrying thing for me, currently, is that I don't want to sing. This may be because I don't have to sing as I am not auditioning or performing at the moment. Maybe, after more than 30 years of wanting to be a singer I have reached a point where I don't want to do it anymore. It's possible but my gut kind of tells me that's not the case. The only time I really sing is with my choir and, I have to say, Tuesday, 7.30-9pm is my favourite time of the week. 

I started a choir, The Songsations, back in September last year. It took a while to find its feet but now, in our third term, I know what I'm doing and numbers have grown to a healthy 14 members (although we are always on the lookout for new members! Have a look at our website here). As part of the service, I provide guide tracks for all of the parts within each piece we sing. It can take me a whole afternoon to do one song in its entirety but the time flies by because I LOVE*, I will say that again as I don't love much right now, I LOVE working on these tracks. When I put all the guide tracks together, one on top of the other, it does end up sounding like some weird family group, a la Bewitched (denim clad Irish family girl group from the 90s for anyone too young to remember), but I don't care and my choir members find them useful (I hope).

This kind of proves to me that I do still enjoy singing. I had a new student start having lessons with me a while back. This woman had not sung, at all, since she was a child but had decided she wanted to give it a go now. She said something very interesting at her last lesson that really made me think. She said "I like the vibrations when I sing". When she had gone I thought more about this and the fact that I have grown accustomed, almost oblivious, to the sensations and their effects on my whole self when singing and I wonder, if I get back in touch with those feelings, could I rekindle my love for singing. I think I want to but everything, not just singing, is a real chore right now (except Zumba, that's never a chore). I find it difficult to make simple decisions and the difficult ones are nigh on impossible. I can't find the motivation to dye my hair let alone anything important. I have moments where I am energised and I have recognise them and cram in as many things that need doing in those little pockets of time. To be honest I'm surprised I've managed to write as much in this post as I have.

So what to do? We are surrounded by bad news and evil things happening in the world and I find I am affected by things that have nothing really to do with me. I am trying, however, to not let these things bring me all the way down. I won't ignore them but I can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I haven't done Body Pump for months so they are quite weak as it is. I don't really have an answer right now but I am hoping that, by putting this out there, a little of the black fog clouding my very small brain will lift and I can, at least, do the hoovering!

*I feel I should add I do love teaching! Just in case a student reads this. My teaching actually keeps me sane!

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