Monday 7 June 2021

Accountability not acceptance

Ooh it's been a while hasn't it. This post is going to rake over old ground, I don't apologise for that, but you might want to give it a miss if you're fed up of reading what could be construed as negativity. There is a lot going on at the moment, some of which I can't talk about here as it's not my place (sorry to be mysterious), and I am still having a problem with motivation (no change there). I started a journaling challenge and it's already thrown up a few things that need to be addressed quite urgently. 

I have done a lot of journaling in the past but haven't recently. I don't know if it really does anything helpful so could be a big old waste of my time. Having said that it can't be more of a waste of my time than all the Netflix binging I've been doing recently (Below Deck was a particular low point). I've talked quite a bit in the past about my laziness and inability to motivate myself to exercise. I have kept up my New Year's resolution to move for, at least, 10 minutes a day so that's good but I have realised that I have regained all the weight I lost when I joined a gym 8 years ago. I am back to square one and really don't think I can do it again.

I did do my 10,000 steps yesterday but I need to do that everyday and, to be honest, walking is not nearly enough. It's great but it does not cut it. I don't know why I'm avoiding. I sometimes wonder if I am comfortable in, what I see as, my chubby shell. Nobody pays me much attention in life and maybe that actually feels easier. I travel through life slightly under the radar. I rarely put my hand up to answer questions or join conversations. I sit on the sidelines. 

I digress. Well I say that, I am not certain where I want to go with this post, I just know I want to write something. Perhaps it's an extension of the journaling thing. There are many ways to go about journaling but the way I tend to do it is to treat it more like a mind dump. I just write and don't stop for a couple of pages. I write everything down that comes to mind no matter how ridiculous or banal. It is not for someone else to read so it doesn't matter what you write. The idea is to dump all the crap that is in your head so that you have room to think about the things that matter or allow space for working on projects you have on the go.

The thing that is worrying me right now is that I just sit on my sofa thinking but not doing. This might be a weird thing to say but I am really not very intelligent and don't understand things like tax, GDPR, websites, technology. I love being self employed and love making my own work but there are SO many other aspects to running a business that I just don't understand and end up like an ostrich with my head buried in the sand. This is why I can't seem to grow my singing teacher business or my choirs.

I don't want to accept this as my life though. I want more, I want to be excited by the things I do in my life. Many of us are in the same boat and have lost our mojo because of this damn pandemic. In March 2020 I was just getting my head around things and the choirs, in particular, were getting bigger and I was getting more confident running them but Covid has decimated the choirs and, even now, as things are starting to open up again, my singers aren't coming back and I am not sure I can ever get it back to where it was. 

I am taking part in a "Quantum Manifesting Challenge" this week and I am watching a webinar as I write this (I REALLY have to stop multitasking. This is the root of my problems I reckon). The woman running it has just asked, regarding your business, do you feel like you are swimming in soup, swimming in water or flying through the air? I am DEFINITELY swimming in very thick soup right now.

I know only I can change things. I have to stop thinking I can't do things or understand everything. I have always had trouble with waiting or standing still. I can NOT bear traffic jams. They freak me out. If I am reading a book I have to read it fast or I give up and I find it very hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. I have documents and books to read explaining all the things I don't think I can understand but I am constantly overwhelmed and can't bring myself to even start reading them. I have a pile of books on singing to read but I am too overwhelmed to start reading them. I am forever saying I haven't got time to do things and, instead of getting on with what I can get done, I go and sit on my sofa and stare into space for hours at a time.

I know it doesn't have to be like this. I am accountable and I do not have to accept that this is all life is. I really didn't know what I wanted this post to be when I started, but I feel like writing this might help me feel some accountability and might push me to do SOMETHING. Not everything but something. I think I will start with a walk.

PS In the name of accountability I am sharing the photo below. This was taken on Sunday. I am 3 sizes bigger and 3 stones heavier than I was 2 years ago. I would love to post a photo in 6 months time that shows I have improved my fitness (I'll probably forget because of brain fog - that's the other problem right now). We'll see!

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