Tuesday, 4 February 2020

Incompetent by name, incompetent by nature!

It’s been a while hasn’t it! So what has brought me out of the woodwork? Well I have more to say than would be acceptable in a normal Facebook post so I thought I would write a diary entry instead. 

Last time I threatened to talk about Brexit but I’m not going to do that. I could write about my choir but I don’t think I’ll do that either (well, perhaps in a roundabout way).  What I REALLY want to talk about is The Masked Singer but I have been SO appallingly bad at guessing who they are thus far that I won’t embarrass myself by telling you who I believe them all to be. All I will say is this, if Octopus is not Our Kath (Katherine Jenkins) I will eat ALL my hats.
Anyway enough of that. Presently, I feel like I’m in limbo. Once again, I’m not sure what I am meant to be doing. I’m just trundling along.

Just when I think things are going well something comes along and pulls the rug out from under me. Up until last two weeks ago I was pretty content and then something happened that day that made me doubt myself and everything around me. Now I can’t get anything done and I have the worst brain fog known to man. I had to get out of the house this morning so am writing this in Costa (standard). I do wonder if I am about to reach that milestone most women reach at some point. No not the moment they try a green olive and think “hmm that’s rather delicious” no the M word (menopause). It would explain the constant forgetfulness, aforementioned brain fog, the crying at anything and everything (I heard a choir of children singing on the radio and that made me go) and the sudden weight gain (absolutely nothing to do with Christmas and zero exercise). Don’t worry boys that’s the last time I’ll mention that word. I really should read a book about it as it’s going to happen but unfortunately, and this could be another symptom, I just can’t be arsed.
Anyway, I’m not going to go into detail about what happened that dark, chilly January evening as someone who was there might read this and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m having a go (to be fair it was probably my fault that it went the way it did anyway). Last time I wrote about, essentially, not being satisfied with my lot. I work, a lot. Probably too much, but I am on my own, I have to pay the bills (London prices) and don’t want to resort to eating baked beans. I hate baked beans. 

The one thing I have done for myself is give myself a day off. This has helped but not enough. I enjoy what I do but the balance isn’t right and I want to create some time (can one create time?) that can be given over to working on my own creativity and not helping others be creative.

It’s now a few days later and I have moved to Caffè Nero. The main obstacle standing in my way right now is a lack of self belief. I have feelings of mediocrity in everything I do which leads me into a state of malaise and a total lack of enthusiasm in some aspects of my life. I think I know what I want but fear has a habit of stopping me in my tracks. I also have an awful tendency to let things carry on as they are which means nothing ever changes.

I read one of those inspirational quotes yesterday. It said “You are where you are meant to be!” Poppycock. Yes I am sure I’m supposed to be here on earth and alive but when you get down to the nitty gritty am I actually where I’m meant to be? Is anyone meant to be in Croydon? I often wonder, and I am really not sure I’m doing exactly what I am meant to be doing. I want to teach (a bit), I DEFINITELY want to run my choirs but I also fancy doing a bit of singing and at the moment I have no get up and go or drive to sort myself out. 

So, in these unstable, uncertain times I am thinking of ditching some regular paid work in order to do my own thing. This would free up time for creativity but shouldn’t leave me short financially, if I’m canny about it. Call me crazy but I think it is necessary for my sanity. I will keep you posted (although it could be another year before I write again - if you’re lucky!). 

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