Tuesday 7 March 2017

Can't do right for doing wrong....I think that's how the saying goes.

So, last week I did two auditions. One was a game of two halves and I was disappointed and pleased with myself in equal measure. The other was, quite simply, the best audition I have done in a long, long time. I won't say what either was for as I am still waiting to hear about the second one (although as times ticks on I am becoming less and less hopeful) but I do, sort of, want to discuss them.

The first was musical theatre and I had to do a movement call first. No amount of Zumba-ing makes me feel hugely better about movement calls. I always feel inadequate and a little bit stupid doing them. I try really hard but that little voice in my head always whispers "what the fuck are you doing? Stop pretending you can dance! You look ridiculous". What I should do is invite prospective employers to come and watch me in a Zumba class then they would see I CAN move. However, that is never going to happen and movement calls remain a necessary evil. Having said that, the older I get and the younger everyone else gets going into these auditions makes me think my movement call days are all but over.

So, back to the first audition. If I am honest, I had given up before I got in the room. I KNEW I wasn't right for the role but unfortunately I decided to let everyone else in the room know that before I did anything or said anything which, with hindsight, probably wasn't the right way to go about things. I didn't fit the brief at all but, for some reason I was in the room, looking ridiculous trying to do a dance routine I couldn't really do. I was about to walk out, thinking there is no way I am going to do this in small groups. I will only allow myself a certain amount of humiliation in one day. However at this point I got a reprieve and the director said he had seen enough to know that we could all move and that he wanted to hear us all sing. Phew. No small groups, my dignity was still intact.

The singing bit was fine. I was trying out a new song, totally inappropriate for what I was up for, but nevertheless, it went well and, I think, I redeemed myself a little. Plus, although I had given up 2 and a half hours of teaching to do the audition I was back in time to do Zumba so it wasn't a total waste.

The second saw me sashaying back into the world of opera. This was my second operatic audition in the last 6 months. Before this I had not done an audition for an opera since 2010 therefore, I suppose, it was a little arrogant of me to be hopeful that I would get this one. That said I think I did myself proud and, as far as opera goes, this was the best I had sung an aria since about 2005 which has made me question what I am doing now. I did not make a mistake taking the job in "Jerry Springer: The Opera" all those years ago and I wouldn't change the majority of my career thus far for anything but I do wonder if I gave up on the opera thing a little too easily. Anyway, what ifs don't help anyone. I can't change anything but I do have to think very carefully about where I go from here. No matter what I do I get nowhere and can't help but think is it time to stop putting myself through it.

Of course, I know the answer to this is yes I will keep putting myself through it, however, I think it now has to be on my terms. I will keep auditioning, even for the things I know I'm not right for because I might be right for the thing the MD or director is doing next and they might remember me for that, and I will smarten up my attitude. Nobody likes a sour puss so I am going to practice smiling when I don't want to smile and ridding myself of my bitchy resting face. That's a lot to think about so I'd better get on with it.

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