I apologise for my very being!

So I’ve had a pretty rubbish few days. This post started out as something very different and I ummed and ahhed as to whether or not to publish it as it was. I decided against it as it served no real purpose as it was so I decided to rewrite it a little before I subjected you all to it.

I believe I intimated, in my last post, that I would like to move. I have not changed my mind about this but my head is all over the place right now and I don't think I could cope with actually moving right now. I’m trying to keep all my teaching going during lockdown, whilst also keeping the noise down as much as possible so as not to bother my downstairs neighbour. We are a few days in and no complaints so far but I’m not getting complacent. However, this is not the cause of my glumness right now.

It is no secret that I have lost my mojo when it comes to exercising. I started exercising seriously about 7 years ago but stopped about a year ago now. In that time I’ve put a bit of weight back on and I’m not as fit as I had become. I haven’t given up completely but I just don’t have the energy or mindset to exercise every day. Anyway, on Monday I needed to go to the post office so I thought instead of driving I would walk (it’s about a 25 minute walk to get there and a 25 minute walk back, 5000ish steps). I arrived and there was a queue to get in as, in these days of the pandemic, only 4 people are allowed in at a time. There are signs up to say to keep your distance and another that said “no mask, no service”. Now, I have never had a go at anyone for not wearing a mask as you never know someone’s circumstances, but, if you are not wearing a mask, surely it would then make sense to leave even more space between yourself and others. This was obviously not the thoughts of the woman who queued behind me in the post office. I could sense someone was close and looked behind to see this mask less woman less than a foot from my back. I said, under my mask, “are you actually joking?” and took a step forwards, as there was space, to move away from her but she proceeded to also move forward. “Un-f**king-believable” is the phrase I involuntarily expressed under my breath at her ridiculous behaviour.

Perhaps she thinks this whole pandemic thing is a hoax and therefore thinks any rules don't apply to her. This is not a debate as to whether the pandemic is real or not, or if we really need masks or not, it is just context for what happened next. Please don’t try and draw me into a discussion as I won’t join in. So, I was served by the lovely post office staff and set off to walk home. I was listening to a podcast as I walked but sensed that a car had pulled up beside me. It was the woman from the post office who had decided to very bravely pull up long enough to say “don’t swear at me in the post office, you fat c**t”. I had enough time to say "I didn't swear at you" which was completely true, then she was gone. I had no opportunity to respond, not that it would have got me anywhere, but this is the second time in the space of a year that this has happened to me. The last time it was at Sainsbury’s when I was told by a very beautiful woman how I am so fat and ugly that I shouldn’t leave the house. All because she was annoyed that, as I was parking my car, she had to wait to get into the car park!?!

I asked for it this time, and probably the last time too, in that I chose to comment on her behaviour so she had every right to speak back to me about it. I rarely make comment on anything anymore as there is something about me that makes people, in particular, women, very angry. That thing seems to be my appearance. I know I’m not attractive and I am fat, there’s no denying it, but why does my appearance offend people, women, so much. I didn’t think I was so ugly that children would run away screaming or that I’m so fat that I take up two seats on a bus (I fit nice and snugly into one as I should, thank you very much, but if you do take up two seats, so what!). So why do women think it is acceptable to comment on my appearance, no matter how much I have annoyed them?

I realise I am being ever so sensitive and, chances are, I’ll never see either of these women again, but I was ridiculously upset by what this inconsequential woman said to me, especially when she was the one ultimately in the wrong by standing too close to me in the post office (I say again, my problem was NOT the lack of mask). The problem now is I actually don’t want to leave the house to go anywhere as I don’t want to put anyone off their day. I am brainstorming ideas for a new career that means I won’t have to have contact with many people. I think I reported the first incident at Sainsbury’s on Facebook at the time and people were lovely about it but I do think there must be something in what both of these women (not ladies) said. I could try and lose weight again but even last time, when I was obsessed with exercise, I didn’t lose a lot of weight, I just got fitter so that’s not going to solve the problem my shape and size cause the general population. 

I would NEVER, EVER bring someone’s appearance into an argument. I may have done so at school but I don’t remember ever doing it. I apologise if I did but it is the sort of language and behaviour that should be left at school. It is a cheap, easy shot that requires no thought. I had SO many comebacks that I could have given had she given me the chance but, as I’m sure most of you will relate to, I thought of most of the really good ones hours after the event. 

The logical part of my brain knows I am not completely alone in this and many of you reading this (men and women alike) will have experienced something like this in the past, but today it feels like I am the most offensive person in the world because of my looks. That’s surely not right. No one should be made to feel like that no matter how much they have infuriated someone. I think I am angry with myself for being bothered by something that someone said to me that was in no way clever. Had it been a clever response to what I did then I don’t think I’d feel half as bad.

What I said indirectly to the woman in the post office was not mean but she chose to respond in a mean, unkind, aggressive, cowardly way. I feel better just getting this off my chest, to be honest and I doubt I will be changing career anytime soon. If I do venture out of the house again I will definitely make sure I do not follow her example. Peace out!