Is anybody out there? ........does anyone still read this dross?

So, yet again I have neglected you, the reader. To be fair I have been busy, for a change. Mostly with teaching (and, of course, Zumba), but the summer holidays are fast approaching and I will finally have time to think about my own stuff and not choreographing musical theatre numbers for the kids I teach. Choreography is not my forte. I have a very limited repertoire. However, I will have two or three weeks to myself before I have to think about songs and choreography for next term (after I have taught the routine I came up with yesterday to go with "Summer Holiday" for next week's Summer School).

Much as I love my teaching I am itching to get back to doing what I actually trained to do (actually that is not strictly true, I trained to be an opera singer but I have no desire to do an opera, but you know what I mean). I have been proactive in many ways. New agent, new head shots, practiced my audition songs. Up until a few weeks ago I had not done an audition in about a year, but, in the past couple of months, I have done 6 auditions in pretty quick succession. I came through unscathed but something was missing and I am wondering how to restore this magical element.

I have never been particularly good at auditions, but then, who is? Actually a lot of you are probably good at auditioning but it makes me feel better to imagine I am not in that boat alone. I have never been a vivacious auditionee. I am fairly understated. Loud, but understated. I get a little bit "rabbit in the headlights" and look bored. Either that or I just don't move. I stand like a statue, sound great but look like I don't want to be there. I really do want to be there, I just loathe auditioning. Having said that, I did an audition this week for a TV series which I LOVED. LOVED is not a word I normally associate with auditioning. No singing required. I didn't get the job but I did get good feedback, not something I could say about my singing auditions recently.

I am sure I used to be better at auditioning. Not much better, but better nonetheless. As I get older I do worry less what people think but I think you need a touch of desperation in auditions. By desperation I mean you should REALLY want to get the job. These days I do want to get the jobs I go for (who doesn't want to be wanted) but it isn't the be all and end all anymore for me. I am much more philosophical about the whole process. But does my lack of desperation come across as ennui or that the whole thing is just a big old inconvenience? I am bothered, I do want to be there but I no longer have the same driven attitude I used to have and, in the grand scheme of things, it is not the end of the world if I don't get the job. I am much more devil-may-care these days.

This doesn't mean I do not respect the process and the audition panel (although if you look at me like I am a piece of dirt on your shoe when I am singing at you my respect will wane!), I do. I desperately want you to like what I offer you, the difference now is it is not THE single most important thing to me in life. If I am not right for the job that is fine. I am not going to question it incessantly and berate myself for not making myself what they want if I was never going to be what they wanted. I intend to stop thinking I am shit (sorry) if I don't bag a job. The fact is, most of the time, the audition panel doesn't know what it wants until it sees it and just because that something isn't me doesn't mean my talent is in question.

So I will keep knocking on doors and peddling my wares wherever they are welcome to be peddled but I will try to make sure I bring a bit of razzle-dazzle to proceedings, or at the very least move an arm from time to time.