In the immortal words of Johnny Logan, "What's another year?"

It seems appropriate that I reach a landmark (albeit short) blog post on the eve of my 41st birthday. This is, believe it or not, my 50th diary entry. It feels like more but I am surprised I have made it to 50 (there have been more than 50 posts but some of them were just amendments and apologies so they don't count).

So it has been an eventful year, sort of. I finally did the cabaret I had been droning on about doing (no plans to do it again) and decided that teaching is possibly not for me as a full time venture. Having done it full time (not really FULL time) for the past 3 years I know I don't want to do just that for the next 3. My endeavours to inspire myself into actually doing some singing practice and preparation for any auditions that might come my way will continue tonight with a trip to the Coliseum in London to see "Sweeney Todd". My trip to "Gypsy" on Saturday helped in the inspiration department so hopefully Emma Thompson will add fuel to the motivation fire started by Imelda Staunton.

What would really help, though, would be a few calls from my agent with a few interesting auditions. To be honest I would take uninteresting auditions right now to brush up and refresh my audition skills (not that I have many skills in that department, I am rubbish at auditioning). The fact I am so bad at auditioning is probably why I have tried to embrace teaching as an alternative career. I am not alone in my fear and dread of auditioning, I know. It is a necessary evil that has not got any easier for me. The more comfortable and stable my life got as my hours teaching increased the more I started to think I should just do that and forget about my performing career.

I don't want to forget it though. Unfortunately the thought of letting people down fills me with the same dread that auditioning brings. I said to one of my students a few weeks back "If I am here in 2 years time we will think about you having a solo in the next show" to which she replied "You'd better be here. You can't leave!" This response, although highly flattering, made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of disappointing anyone makes me want to cry. Kids adapt, though, so I am trying not to take her words to heart. Easier said than done. I feel ever so guilty about the fact that I probably will leave one day but then I tend to live in a perpetual state of guilt anyway so that's nothing new.

Anyway, I will prepare myself to witness greatness tonight (fingers crossed) and prepare mentally for the addition of a year to my age tomorrow. For now I will try to enjoy my last day as a 40 year old. I will let you know my thoughts on Sweeney in due course, whether you want them or not!