Friday, 27 April 2018

If I wait long enough summat will happen....of course I may be too old to enjoy it!

I don’t know if I’m lazy or if my apparent laziness is an indicator of something else. I want something to happen and I feel something is about to happen but how to make it happen? That is the quandary I’m in right now.

I’m not sure if my reluctance to go out and make it happen is because I fear failure or because I fear success. Failure, although heartbreaking at times, is the easier outcome in many ways. I can say “I gave it a go” or “it wasn’t to be” and then go back to watching a box set of some inane drama series happy in the knowledge that it’s over. Success, on the other hand, although initially sweet, means more work and I just don’t have the energy right now.

Throughout the last two blog posts I may have painted a picture that suggests I don’t do anything and don’t care about anything. This is NOT the case. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I work very hard to ensure I prepare well for everything I do. Unfortunately, I think I am spreading myself too thin which means I can’t give enough energy to the pursuit of what I really want out of life. A while ago I endured a fairly lengthy period of feeling like there was no point to anything and couldn’t work out what on earth (literally) I am here for. I stopped feeling this a few months back and now, even during my low moments, I never think what’s the point anymore. Definite progress I’d say.

That said, I am yet to find enlightenment, my true purpose, and that's OK. As long as I am not hurting anyone and am relatively happy with my lot I don't need the universe telling me what I have been put on this earth for. Perhaps my reason for being has already shown itself when I saved someone by pushing them out if the way of a moving car (never happened) or I helped a student realise their potential by helping them get a distinction in an exam (did happen). It could be as simple as that. For a long time I thought there had to be more to life but this takes me back to the title of this post.

I am obviously waiting for something to happen, for my path to be lit up so as I can follow it but the truth is, I need to grab a torch and light up my own path. However, I can only do this if I make time for it. I am doing a few things at the moment that I really wish I wasn't because I need to in order to pay my rent. I know what to do to sort this out and I did make strides in the right direction earlier today but I was shot down with the first email. Now I could stop and think "I gave it a go" or "it wasn't to be" but then I would be right back at square one and I really don't want to go and watch Homeland or Grey's Anatomy right now I actually want my idea to work. So, I will try another avenue and if I get shot down again, as they say, or sing, in Trolls: I will get back up again!

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